Christmas Shopping Advice
Category: Just Plain Silly...
Posted Thursday, December 19, 2002 at 06:28 AM [GMT-6]

I went Christmas shopping on Tuesday, in fulfillment of my annual obligation to take care of the menfolk on our list. It's not a long list: my dad, father-in-law, brother and nephew. However, the first two are getting to the age where it's increasingly hard to buy for them, at least without resorting to the "Dockers and flannel shirt" strategy.

Determined to avoid this badge of defeat, I headed for that mecca of Guy's Things: the Harbor Freight store in Odessa. And, as usual, I was not disappointed. Ladies, what follows is a brief primer for shopping for guys; please take notes.

If you really want to be safe with your gift buying, avoid:

• electronics (unless he's given you a very specific, exquisitely-detailed description of the exact item; otherwise, you stand no chance of getting the right thing. Trust me on this.)
  
  
• DVDs (unless they have really loud soundtracks or a lot of explosions, or, preferably, lots of explosions set to loud soundtracks)
  
  
• clothes (particularly those items which are designed to be worn on formal - aka "boring" - occasions; however, underwear is generally OK).

Instead, stick to the tried-and-true gift that has worked since the dawn of time: tools. Face it, most men view a rerun of Tim Allen's "Home Improvement" as a documentary, worthy of broadcast on PBS or The History Channel.

But I can hear you now. "I don't know what kind of tool he wants." Remember these three little words: It Doesn't Matter. Tools are to guys what those little china dessert plates are to chicks. You can never have too many, and duplicates are good, not bad. A guy's concept of heaven is having access to a pair of Channel-Locks in every room of his celestial mansion.

Still confused? OK, here's a short can't-fail checklist of criteria to use when shopping for tools for that special guy on your list. The more of these criteria the tool meets, the more likely you are of getting him to go see the next Brad Pitt movie with you as proof of his gratitude.

• Heavy is good. Unlike with electronics (see rule 1 above), bigger is better. An anvil makes a great gift; nobody's going to trump him when they compare gifts at the post-Christmas office coffee bar gathering. "You got a 30 pound bench grinder? Ha! My new rotating-jaw table vise weighs at least 50!"
  
  
• Odd-shaped is good. Rule of thumb: the harder it is to wrap, the better. The best gifts are those which require an 8'x12' tarp and 16 bungee cords to conceal.
  
  
• Mysterious is good. There's nothing a guy likes better than encountering a once-in-a-lifetime mechanical problem, for which the solution is an incredibly rare, one-of-a-kind tool...which he just happens to have. Don't worry if you don't have the faintest idea what the tool is for when you buy it; don't even worry if he doesn't. What's important is not that he knows how to use it, but that he owns it.

Last, but certainly not least, keep in mind that while the guy probably doesn't know Bill Blass from a large-mouth bass, he does understand the significance of labels as they apply to tools. If you buy it from Harbor Freight, give yourself extra points. If the manufacturer is Milwaukee Electric, Proto, Facom or even Craftsman...yep, you done good.

I hope this little chat has been helpful to you. As far as my own shopping trip, I won't ruin the surprises by telling you specifics...let me just say that it's going to take some pretty large gift sacks to accommodate the various loot I scored on Tuesday. There might have even been some anvil involvement.