My fellow Texans, I would like to make you aware of a new tax that some in the legislature are proposing.

Legislators and lobbyists here in Austin have worked their hardest to come up with this tax. The results are splendid: According to a Texas study, minorities will pay an average of twice what whites will pay. High school dropouts will pay four times what college graduates will pay. Those making $20,000-$30,000 will pay four times what those making over $100,000 will pay – the difference is even more drastic when you measure percent of income they will spend on this tax.

The particular benefit of this tax is that it is addictive, so the 5% who spend the most on this tax will account for about 50% of the taxes received. Unfortunately, the side effects include crime, broken families, debt, and increased substance abuse, but we should ignore these because the tax will bring jobs to our state.

One problem with this tax is that it is relatively inefficient, so Texans will have to spend a lot on this tax in order to raise the advertised revenue. That shouldn’t be a problem, however, because nationally Americans spend more on this tax than on groceries, so we are sure to lure many low-income Texans into forking over their money. We will just have to advertise the tax by using the false lure of instant riches.

The greatest aspect of this tax is that it is voluntary, so we politicians can ignore the sharply regressive aspect and all of the negative side effects by proudly claiming we voted for choice, jobs, and education funding.