Turning Down Work
Category: Internet...
Posted Tuesday, August 08, 2006 at 09:32 AM [GMT-6]

I've spoken with enough prospective clients calling to ask about a website that I can tell from the beginning whether a project is something I'll be interested in. Thus it was that my antenna was quivering early in yesterday afternoon's phone conversation as the man on the other end of the line rattled off a litany of things he wanted in his new website.

I want to be able to sell stuff via the site. I want to have my site pop up in a separate window whenever somebody looks for what I'm selling. I want to have everything on my site link to eBay so it's always available there. I'm just starting out so I want everything to be as inexpensive as possible...

OK...well, let's talk about some of these things. Do you have a merchant account?

No.

OK. No problem. You might consider using PayPal to handle your transactions. Are you familiar with PayPal?

Uh, no. I don't know anything about computers.

Well, that's what I'm here for. Now, what are you selling.

Oh, knives. Jewelry. Jewels, like diamonds and stuff.

So, do you need a database backend to manage your inventory?

What's that?

Well, it allows you to update your website's store without actually having to get into the website itself. But if you don't have a large inventory, it's probably more expensive and complicated than you need at this point.

Yeah, well, we just want to be able to update the website ourselves.

So...you know HTML?

No, but my partner knows all about websites. She says she can build the website but I don't trust her.

Ooooo-kay. Now, I really don't know what you mean when you say you want your products to automatically appear on eBay. I don't have any experience in that area, but it seems to me that that's something you'll need to handle via your eBay account, and not really something that requires a special set up on your website. But, again, I don't know that for sure.

I don't know anything about computers.

All right. Uh...let's talk about this pop-up thing you mentioned. What do you have in mind there?

Well, you know when you visit a site and, like, 500 windows pop up and you have to click through each one of them to get back to where you're going? I want my site to be that annoying pop up generator.

[Note: "Annoying" is the exact term he used.]

So...

Yeah, so that whenever somebody goes looking for something I'm selling, when they visit another site, I want mine to start popping up...

You know...uh...I'm not your guy. I'm not interested in working on something like that...

[I didn't bother explaining to him that what he was requesting was quite impossible. The very idea that he wanted to do it in the first place was sufficient reason for me to write off the project.]

Oh? Well, where could I find someone who will do that for me?

[That's right...I'm here to help you find my competion. It's what I live for...pleasing the customer until the bitter end.]

I suggest that you look in the Yellow Pages. Good luck. [click]

Calls like this are the reason that while I pay for a small Yellow Pages ad, I do so grudgingly, as I've rarely gotten a worthwhile project via a cold call. Over 90% of my business comes from referrals, and that's the way I like it.

Anyway, I'd love to listen in on this guy's conversation with other web designers.

Note: I don't make it a habit to publish conversations with clients, prospective or otherwise. But every now and then something so outrageous occurs that it must be documented -- as a cautionary tale, if for no other reason.