TV Exclusive: My DWTS Nominations!
Category: TV & Radio...
Posted Thursday, August 23, 2007 at 08:58 AM [GMT-6]

While ABC has not yet officially announced the lineup for this year's Dancing With The Stars, I see that Entertainment Weekly has revealed that one of the competitors will be none other than Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton. The rest of the cast will be announced on August 29, on Good Morning America.

In anticipation of that announcement, and in case ABC is having trouble filling the slots, I hereby offer my ideas for who should join Mr. Newton on the show. It's obvious that the show's producers have a predetermined list of generic roles to fill, and so the challenge is to find the right person to fill each role. Thus, I've described the role, and the ideal candidate to fill it.

  • Famous retired athlete - Lance Armstrong

  • Obscure retired athlete - Greg Louganis

  • Clueless starlet-type - Paris Hilton

  • Actor in need of career jumpstart - Steven Seagal

  • Actress in need of career jumpstart - Demi Moore

  • Current athlete in off-season - Carly Patterson (Olympic gold medal gymnast)

  • Obligatory AARP representative - Already filled by Wayne Newton, but I was holding out for Bob Barker

  • Media representative - Fox's Brian Kilmeade

  • Guy who's there only for comic relief - Venezuela's Clown-in-Chief, Hugo Chavez

  • Female bucking industry body-type conventions - Jennifer Hudson

  • Politician - Karl Rove

If any of these are unavailable, my backup list includes Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), Ben Stein, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Gina Torres (Serenity), and Kinky Friedman.

The only category I failed to include is "Entertainer Ringer," reserved for those who are only slightly on this side of the "professionally-trained dancer" line (ala Joey Fatone, last year). That's a category I hope the producers will also omit.

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Comments

I'd love to see Brian Kilmeade do DWTS! Hilarious list.

Posted by: jen at August 23, 2007 10:02 AM

Now see, if you were the producer, I might actually watch teevee, or at least DWTS. What a great lineup!

Posted by: gwynne at August 23, 2007 10:36 AM

Jen, Kilmeade's one of the few anchor-types in the news business who isn't afraid to be humiliated on camera. He'd make a great DWTS addition.

Now see, if you were the producer...

What? And give up the glamorous, devil-may-care existence of a website coder in a lower-tier market? Never!

Posted by: Eric at August 23, 2007 12:07 PM

You've got a valid point. ;-)

Posted by: gwynne at August 23, 2007 12:23 PM

I think that blogger in the lower tier market guy could also fit the semi professionally trained dancer category...so I nominate the soon to be famous Eric S.!!!

Posted by: Lyle at August 23, 2007 01:47 PM

Lyle, I'm definitely being trained by a professional, but just because a pig has a professional voice coach doesn't mean it'll be able to sing in Les Miserables when the lessons are over!

Posted by: Eric at August 23, 2007 01:56 PM

***snicker***

Posted by: Janie at August 23, 2007 06:54 PM

Do you do a lot of pig vocal coaching there in W. Texas? My dad always told me (well, still does to this day): You can't teach a pig to sing. It sounds awful and it annoys the pig.

So...do y'all know something we don't know?

Posted by: beth at August 24, 2007 07:47 AM

I'm afraid this season's So You Think You Can Dance may have ruined Dancing With The Stars for me.

That said, Lance Armstrong might be an interesting sports figure choice. I'd like to see whether the charming, charismatic guy showed up--or if he'd be himself.

I'd like to submit Matt Frewer (Eureka; Max Headroom; The Stand) as comic relief.

Posted by: Foo at August 24, 2007 09:01 AM

Beth, we're not really much into pig singing out here, but we are high behind pig annoying.

And, yes, I'm pretty sure we know something ya'll don't. ;-)

Foo, I never watched SYTYCD so I'm not sure what you're implying. But I do agree that Frewer would be an excellent choice for DWTS. I've been a fan for a long time.

Posted by: Eric at August 24, 2007 09:52 AM

Sorry to be obtuse. What I meant by my comment about DWTS being ruined for me is that the dancing on SYTYCD was so amazing that I'm afraid I'll be inclined to expect too much from the celebs on DWTS, next time around.

Posted by: Foo at August 26, 2007 07:48 AM
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