Poop happens. And then disappears.
Category: Just Plain Silly...
Posted Thursday, August 21, 2008 at 08:37 AM [GMT-6]

Warning: The following post contains multiple and explicit references to poop. Those with delicate constitutions are forewarned.

There's a poop thief on the loose in our neighborhood and the very thought of it creeps me out.

Here's the story. Each morning as we head out for our walk, Abbye pauses in our front yard to, you know, do her thing. I dutifully encase the result in a sandwich bag (I know; too much information) and leave it on the driveway, next to the lawn, for retrieval and disposal upon our return.

We've been doing this pretty much every morning since we moved in last February, and the bag has always been there at the end of the walk. Until today, that is.

Here's the sequence of thoughts that ran through my mind. (1) I'm on Candid Camera. Someone is watching through a window, yucking it up at my confusion as I look around for the missing baggie. I must look nonchalant, as if someone moves our poop all the time. (Aside: "Who Moved My Poop" would be a good title for a best-selling book. Or not.) (2) MLB realized that she had forgotten something on her way to work, turned around, parked in the front drive, noticed the poop bag, and considerately disposed of it for me. (3) There's a creature in the neighborhood with a disturbing fetish.

I'm pretty sure that (1) doesn't apply (although just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean that everyone isn't watching you through their plantation shutters). Also, I confirmed with MLB that she didn't come back to the house (although she could be messing with my head). So that leaves (3), which in turn generates some unsettling mental images.

If it's an animal, that poop is going to end up somewhere. It could have been a bird, so be on the lookout for a report from Midland, Texas from a distraught homeowner whose dip in the pool was rudely interrupted. (Doodie! Extra credit for the source of that reference.)

It could have been a helpful neighbor (I can't believe someone would leave a bag of poop on that guy's driveway. Sure, he's a lame-o geek, but no one deserves that!), but I sorta doubt it. I know I wouldn't go around picking up bags of poop that don't belong to me, but that's just me. So it could have been a perverted neighbor. I doubt that, too, because everyone knows they don't get out until after 10:00 a.m.

I'm going to go with the animal/bird theory, until I find evidence to the contrary. In the meantime, until I hear back from CSI, my advice to you is to guard your poop.