Movie review...Election predictions...

A few of us made that short drive to Odessa Tuesday evening for dinner and a movie...Tex-Mex at Jorge's (which we didn't have to go to Odessa to get) and a viewing of "About Schmidt" at the Century Theater (which we couldn't get in Midland).

The food was great, as always. The movie was less so.

I'm not a "film" kind of guy. I go to the show. I don't care about the metaphorical allusions of the duck riding in the back seat of the convertible, but I will laugh at the Nascar drivers debating them. I really don't know the difference between Ingmar and Ingrid, but I suspect both of them have an equally boring presence on film, because I figure neither one of them ever drove a motorcycle through the flaming shell of a crashed Blackhawk or battled a crazed mutant armadillo intent on world domination.

I suspect, also, that "About Schmidt" is a film that Ingmar would love. It has lots of uninteresting midwestern flatland scenes with boring-yet-depressing background music. Lots of shots of weird little juxtapositions - like Hummel figurines skating around on top of an RV - that I guess are supposed to be allegories about the uncertainties of life. Actually, these techniques appeared so frequently that I'm inclined to say that the director was toying with us...sort of an "I know that you know that I know"-game. But, really, I don't know.

It also has two scenes - which is two too many - of Jack Nicholson urinating (there's only so much you can do with this shot and the obligatory canned sound effects).

Then, of course, there's the soon-to-be-infamous Kathy Bates skin scenes. Ms. Bates has never made it a secret that she eschews the stairmaster in favor of chewing the Krispy Kremes, but boy, does it ever show. To quote Inga, Teri Garr's character from "Young Frankenstein" (which is, btw, my kind of movie): Woof! (Or, perhaps, Wuhf!)

OK, I realize I've already violated every tenet of political correctness by simply making the preceding observation. I suppose we should celebrate the human form in all its variety, glory and range of Body Mass Index values. And I'm sure that Ms. Bates exhibited (no pun intended) great artistic courage in baring it all for the sake of her craft. Nevertheless, my immediate thought was, "I need to get home and watch the Miller Lite catfight commercial...NOW!" And to Ms. Bates, I offer this word of fashion advice: it doesn't really matter what you wear, love, AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT ON!

For what it's worth, this reaction was mirrored by all of my companions, regardless of gender. And, just to show that we're equal opportunity rednecks, we were also all grossed out by the scene of Nicholson's bare and expansive backside. So there.

I'll admit that there were a few funny scenes, and some that were touching and thought-provoking (mainly along the lines of "I'm going to do whatever it takes to avoid becoming Warren Schmidt.") But most of the time was spent in a tensed-up mindset, anticipating the next sociopathic, culturally-unacceptable or just downright weird thing that Jack/Warren was obviously going to do next.

And the worst part of the whole evening? I was too full from the nachos to get popcorn...and this was definitely a movie that would have benefited from copious amounts of popcorn. My advice? Go rent "The Shining" and seek out the metaphors arising from Jack's affinity for axes.

One of the topics of conversation at the meal preceding the movie was the school bond election. Based on the course of that conversation, here are my predictions for that election:

1. Proposition 1 will pass by a slim margin.
2. Proposition 2 will fail by a large margin.
3. Certain "community leaders" will point to the failure of Proposition 2 as clear evidence that racism continues to be a way of life for the general population of Midland.
4. No one will care about those accusations, as they will come from the same "leaders" who either opposed the last bond, or whose followers stayed away from the polls in droves (then and now), indicating very clearly their level of desire for a new elementary school in their area.
5. The passage of Proposition 1 will lead the CFR to take out a full-page ad in the MRT apologizing for their wrong-headed positions and maddog demagoguery, and stating that they were, in fact, secretly in favor of the bond all along...their supposed opposition was really just a test to ensure that the principle of free and open debate in a democratic society was still alive and well.

I have a nagging suspicion that I'm off-base on one of those predictions...I'm just not sure which. I guess we'll know soon enough.

School Bond Finale...

I understand that Sadaam is issuing threats against any of his military officers and enlisted men who engage in treason when the war begins. He labels such behavior an "unmanly act." This term is intended, I suppose, to distinguish such cowardice from otherwise manly and brave strategies like surrounding oneself with civilian human shields and employing hordes of body doubles.

I don't know any humane and level-headed people who would allow an animal to continually exhibit such obviously deranged and irrational behavior, said behavior being de facto proof of rabies or some similar fatal and dangerous disease. You are free to draw your own conclusions on how such situations are best dealt with.

And, speaking of deranged and irrational behavior...

I see that the MRT will no longer publish letters about Saturday's school bond election, in the newspaper's "long-standing policy to cut off letters a few days before election." An idle question is: why? I mean, won't either a majority or a sizable minority of the votes have been cast by the end of today, the last day of early voting? What's the harm of continuing the printed debate (other than stretching credulity to the breaking point...but that's beside the, um, point)? I suspect this policy is a carryover from the old days when early voting required a note from your parents and darned good excuse for not showing up on Election Day like a real American.

Nevertheless, I am grateful for the early cutoff, considering the intellectual pain inflicted by the final batch of writers.

Isn't it ironic that the last such letter should express gut-wrenching angst over having a "yes" vote "shoved down [his] throat"? I can envision the writer cowering in the corner of his house (the one propped up by the homestead exemption), waiting for sound of hobnailed boots on his front porch and the rap of authoritarian knuckles against his front door and the click of revolver hammer being cocked as he is herded onto a camo-colored bus (thankfully, we have no mass transit system to expedite thi...but wait, what about all those big yellow things...?) along with the other media-beaten masses waiting to be driven like so many cattle to the nearest designated polling place and lined up and forced - forced, mind you! - to vote "Yes," thereby damning their immortal souls to Eternal Tax Hell, presided over, of course, by an administrative imp who makes more in 11 months than the POTUS once made in a year.

But, as heart-rending a picture as this writer paints, it's nothing compared to the outrage expressed by another writer, who shall remain unidentified because that person is a personal acquaintance of your humble correspondent. Here's the context (as I see it) in which the letter is written. This person whiles away the hours driving kids to a private school in the Navigator, or tooling around town in the Beemer convertible while planning one of the several family vacations at one of their multiple time-shares in Cancún. The concept of a $75,000 house is really foreign, unless you're talking about living in your car. Yet this person is apparently overcome by the thought of losing the homestead exemption, the obvious waste and mismanagement that has led to 60 year old buildings coming to look like, well, 60 year old buildings, and the thought that if we could just get the right people to replace everyone having anything to do with our school system then we'd be OK.

Well, I can't argue with that logic. And, frankly, I have no standing - or desire - to dissuade such debate based on what kind of car someone drives or where they vacation. All of that is irrelevant. Everything I wrote about that person's lifestyle is irrelevant. Except...one thing. Did you catch it?

"Private School"

I haven't seen anyone raise this issue to the level of prominence it probably deserves. I wonder how many civic-minded, progressive and enthusiastic folks are going to vote against this school bond because their kids go to a private school?

I can't blame them for shying away from the economic implications. Private schools are expensive, and not everyone who chooses this course is awash in disposable income. Any tax increase will be felt, and it probably comes with a little psychological kick that reminds them that they're having to pay for something they don't use.

Or are they? Hmmm....

I've never dialed 911, but that shouldn't exempt me from paying taxes that support our police and fire/EMT departments. I spay and neuter my pets, observe leash laws and even carry (and employ) baggies on our daily walks, but I pay taxes to fund the city's Animal Control department. "Well, those are just stupid examples," you might reply. "Of course you don't mind paying for those services, because someday you might need them."

Yes, that's right. Just like someday we all might need an educated workforce and safe and attractive school buildings to bring new business and new money and new life into our community. And, I gotta tell you if you don't already know it, the private schools, as good as they are, can't do the job by themselves. The choice to opt out of the public school system is just that: a choice; it's not a "get out of jail free" card that nullifies civic responsibilities.

This is not a tirade against private schools. In fact, one could make a pretty good argument that having a healthy private school system is an important attraction to outsiders looking to relocate to Midland. But sacrificing the health of the majority for the health of the minority is bad...very bad. If you feel you have to vote no, I hope you've got a better reason than that.

School Bond Boneheads...Super Bowl Commercials...

I expected the Midland School Bond rhetoric to heat up in this week preceding voting day, and the letters to the editor in yesterday's MRT didn't disappoint.

In other local blogs the school bond opposition has generally been described in terms of intellectual prowess (or lack thereof, actually). At first, I tended to agree. These folks either were sadly misinformed - meaning that they had inhabited a sensory deprivation chamber for months at a time - or they just didn't get it. In this age of lowered expectations, we can understand - if not entirely tolerate - ignorance, intentional or otherwise.

However, I now subscribe to the theory described by one astute letter writer: the CFR and like-minded supporters seem to be motivated out of a sense of personal dislike...for the School Board, for the MISD Administration, for "The Establishment," the members of which are obviously taking The Public for a huge ride on the backs of hardworking taxpayers. Their venom seems to have nothing to do with the facts or the real issues. "Kill 'em all and sort out the bodies later."

I don't know how you deal with this, at least not in a democratic society. The only answer is for those without such personal, emotion-based agendas get out and vote, and hope that the intentionally ignorant are and remain a small minority.

The 2003 edition of the Super Bowl is history, and an otherwise forgettable game was somewhat enlivened by the sub-plot of whether Tampa Bay would finally break loose of its legacy as a world class loser. It did so emphatically, although at one point it appeared the "Ultimate Football Contest" would turn into the world's most watched game of "keep away."

This was the first game of the season I watched from start to finish (including the really awful halftime), but I really was just in it for the commercials. Collectively, the ads graded out at only about a C+, with the following being the standouts (not always in a good way). Note that some of these commercials may not have been made just for the Super Bowl, but since I don't usually watch pro football, they were new to me, and this is, after all, my awards list...

• Best Overall – The Bud commercial with the football-playing horses and the zebra reviewing the play. Rated high for relevance, anthropomorphism, and humor. Actually could have done without the cowboy commentary at the end, but that would have given the audience too much credit.
  
  
• Grossest – Hands-down, this award goes to the Dodge truck commercial, where a vehicular Heimlich maneuver is applied to the redneck passenger choking on a slug of beef jerkey. We know it's successful by the splat on the windshield, of which we get a close-up. (Question: Was the choker the driver of the beater Dodge Charger in that other commercial, the one with the line, "hey, has that thing got a Hemi?"?). Runner-up: Bud Light's Big-Butted Mom (if you saw it, you know)
  
  
• Funniest, in a sad sort of way – The ad for Pepsi Twist with Ozzy Osbourne and Donnie and Marie Osmond. This one had been "pre-released" so it wasn't a total surprise (although I didn't anticipate the end...which I won't give away here, so that you can be surprised the first of the next 12,000 times you see it). The sad part? I'm not sure Ozzy was acting.
  
  
• Lamest – H&R Block's commercial with Willie Nelson. It probably would have scored higher except for the high level of pre-game hype. It just didn't meet expectations. Runner-up: The Bud Light commercial with the three-armed guy.
  
  
• Edge-iest – This one was a tie between Bud Light (again), with the upside down clown (again, you just have to see it to, um, appreciate it) and Trident chewing gum, with the squirrel and panel of dentists. Actually, the more I think about it, the better the Trident pitch stacks up for the funniest. Who'da thought?
  
  
• Strangest – Michelob Ultra beer as a sports drink...? What were they thinking?
  
  
• Most Obscure - Reebok's "Office Linebacker"...I have no idea what this was all about.
  
  
• Biggest Disappointment - All of the AT&T commercials (the Gilligan's Island take-off was a contender for lamest, but ultimately wasn't even good enough to compete). Why disappointing? AT&T's campaign from a couple of year's ago - based around the spinning blue ball that morphed into various intriguing yet simple line animations - was a modern classic. Now we get "mLife." How fallen are the mighty. Posted by Eric at 05:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
  
  

In praise of Patricia...

This morning's edition of the Wall Street Journal had an interesting article about the proliferation of potty-mouth (my words, not theirs) on network TV. This phenomenon is obvious, the most recent example coming on NBC's broadcast of the Golden Globes when U2's Bono slipped the f-word past the bleepers in his acceptance remarks. (I remember turning to my wife and asking, pretty much rhetorically, "can he say that?!" Of course, she hadn't been paying attention, and so I found myself saying "never mind" in response to her response.)

Anyway, the WSJ writer also described how Patricia Heaton walked out of the American Music Awards; she was later quoted as saying, "As far as I'm concerned, it was an affront to anyone with a shred of dignity, self-respect and intelligence." What was even more surprising was that Ms. Heaton - a two-time Emmy award-winning actress currently starring in "Everybody Loves Raymond," was scheduled to appear on the program as a presenter. They had to run a previously-taped segment in her place.

How rare is that? A celebrity passing on air-time...taking the moral high ground instead?

I've always liked Patricia Heaton...or at least the character she portrays on "Raymond," but this was icing on the cake. Curious about the reaction to her stance - I don't recall seeing anything about it in the local media - I googled a while and turned up some even better reasons to hold her in high regard.

For example, she's one of the few celebrities on the left coast who is unabashedly pro-life. (Two other high-profile names mentioned are model Kathy Ireland and actress Jennifer O'Neill.) In fact, she is the Honorary Chair for the organization Feminists For Life...an organization with the insightful slogan, "Women Deserve Better - Refuse To Choose."

In addition, Ms. Heaton and husband David Hunt have formed a production company, FourBoys Films, to create movies, TV shows and theatrical productions that present, in the words of their mission statement, "tales of the majesty in the mundane, the honor in failure, and nobility in victory. FourBoys Films is committed to writers who can find both the humor and the drama in these subjects without resorting to either sentimentalism or nihilism."

Incidentally, if you didn't already know it, Ms. Heaton is the mother of four sons (hence the name of the company), all under the age of ten. This is one more than her character on "Raymond" has, and it goes a long way in explaining how utterly at-ease she appears in that role! The fact that she pulled in a cool $250K per episode in 2001 for her "Raymond" role means that she isn't hurting for quality daycare for the boys, although she strikes me as the type of mom who enjoys a rousing game of t-ball more than a TV awards show.

But...I wonder how she deals with the loud-mouthed sports dads who need a little censoring from time-to-time? That would be a performance I'd pay to see!

Hypocrisy in action... Obesity lawsuit...

I probably need to apologize for the juxtaposition of this item with the following one, which was written earlier today. I didn't intend for things to work out like this, they just did.

Anyway, as I contemplated the fact that today is the 30th anniversary of "Roe v Wade," and heard how all five Democratic presidential candidates fell in line to defend "choice," I couldn't help but notice the irony of this occasion following so closely last weekend's anti-war protests. I wonder how many of those "pro-peace" demonstrators also popped up in the pro-abortion rallies...and thought nothing of the inconsistency of their position.

After all, if you can't defend the life of the most innocent and helpless of human beings - the child waiting to be born - what's your moral basis for claiming a broader right?

In this edition: McDonald's "Obesity Lawsuit" dismissed...

I just saw a crawl on CNN Headline News stating that the lawsuit filed against McDonald's on behalf of fat kids was dismissed by a federal judge today.

My reaction? Bummer.

Oh, it's not that I wanted this incredibly stupid action to move forward. It's just that I had come up with a really swell idea for how McDonald's could protect itself from similar filings in the future, and now I'll never reap the financial benefits that would have accompanied a high-calorie licensing deal.

I guess it won't hurt to share my idea now.

OK, picture this. Bubba "Big Boy" Barnett and his shrimpy sidekick "Teeny Tiny" Tim Tudor arrive at their neighborhood Mickey D's for a quick snack. Upon entering the narrow vestibule - designed to accommodate only one person at a time - the floor panel registers each dude's weight, while an invisible infrared beam captures their heights. An instantaneous computation of BMI results.

Unaware of these behind-the-scenes machinations, the pair moves to the menu-dispenser, which spits out a set of goggles containing an LCD screen, displaying for the wearer the full McDonald's menu...as far as he knows. In reality, based on the BMI computation at the entryway, the menu-generating computer provides a range of selections in keeping with the customer's, um, portliness. So, Bubba gets a gander at the Clown's complete selection of salads, non-fat frozen yogurt and diet sodas. Tim, on the other hand, gets to choose from ultra-huge fries, triple-decker burgers and all-the-trimmings shakes.

While Bubba has never been the sharpest arrow in the quiver, he realizes that he's getting the short end of the fat-stick, and grabs Tim's goggles. Oops. Did I neglect to mention the retina scan, also at the entrance, that renders the goggles useless for anyone but the intended wearer?

Bubba grudgingly returns Tim's goggles, consoled by a brainstorm - well, for him, it's a storm: he'll just trade for Tim's food when it arrives, using his considerable powers of negotiation.

Well, I don't have to tell you what happens next. I mean, there is a limit to what technology can do, and at some point, human involvement is unavoidable. The human in this case is an ex-Navy SEAL who has never tasted a Big Mac but somehow manages to get his RDI of protein-derived calories, and who has been well-trained at Hamburger U in "intervention" techniques.

In the end, both Bubba and Tim get what they deserve, and nothing they don't need, more or less.

I guess the only thing I haven't really worked out is how to conduct a quick blood test to screen for cholesterol problems; after all, we don't want Tim keeling over, a skinny-but-nevertheless-dead customer.

But I do have an idea that seems to have some merit for dealing with the worst problem of all: class-action plaintiff lawyers. It involves lasers, needles and a guy named Dr. Grubenschlosser. I'll let you know when I've got the kinks worked out.

Miscellany...

Super Bowl fantasy... Midland school bond "disgrace"... "Blood for oil"... Blanket commutations... Condolences to the family and friends of Monty Price...

Despite my best attempts to remain aloof and uncaring, I find myself drawn to the Super Bowl matchup. There's the natural east-vs-left coast rivalry. There's the Cinderella aspect of the Bucs rising above their being the "worst team ever," going 0-fer in their first years, but rising to the pinnacle of their profession. You can't overlook the Bad Boy Raiders who are pretty much indistinguishable from their fans, other than dressing better. And, of course, we know that this will be essentially a One Year Dynasty for the Raiders, as most of the team will begin drawing Social Security the day following the game.

But...I can't help thinking that this matchup comes about three years too late. I would PAY to watch this Super Bowl on TV in 1999 or 2000, if only for the commercials. I mean, it's the RAIDERS vs. the BUCCANEERS: who wouldn't love to see it sponsored by Napster?!

One of the letters to the editor in yesterday's Midland Reporter-Telegram (the letters of which can be rearranged to spell "A Deranged Term Report Mill") expressed the writer's regret that the proposed school bond contains a provision for $17,000 for maintenance required for purposes of safety. He thought that was a disgrace.

I happen to agree with him...sort of. It is a disgrace that our state school finance system is so flawed that a bond is the only way we can find the money to fund important work on behalf of our children. But to condemn (read: vote against) the school bond for that reason is not only illogical, it's - are you ready? - disgraceful.

Of course, the writer's solution was that tired old strawman: "why can't those *%$%& overpaid MISD administrators just give up a little of their salaries to take care of this pressing need?" Well, I submit to you that they are, as they pay taxes just like the rest of us. And I'll give a little more credence to that argument when I begin reading accounts of how the good citizens of Midland are showing up at City Hall to voluntarily donate portions of their salaries over and above their tax bills to fix the potholes in their neighborhood streets, or buy extra dumpsters, or pay for crews to pick up the trash that's proliferating along 191...and so on and so on.

Until then, why don't we just focus on the needs, and the way to meet the needs, and get on with it?

I don't have time to address this fully right now - real work beckons - but sometime in the future I'd like to discuss the increasingly pervasive mantra of "No blood for oil." Of all the reasons for going to war, I submit to you that oil may be one of the most credible - and, for that matter, possibly the least relevant to the situation in Iraq.

Illinois governor Ryan's blanket commutation of everyone on the state's death row raises a couple of interesting questions (besides "what in blazes was he thinking?"). To wit...

• Is it naive to think that just because we grant a public official the power to do something, he should never exercise that power in a way we didn't anticipate? Perhaps this is a signal to lawmakers to take a little more care in crafting laws. Although I understand George Will's statement that Ryan's actions are "undemocratic," I'm not sure that an objective view of the facts supports this, given that a presumably democratic process imbued the Governor with the power in the first place.
  
  
• Is there a better alternative to the "one person clemency rule"? How about a three person review panel composed of the three highest ranking elected members of a state's executive branch. In Texas, that would be the governor, lieutenant governor and one of the following: secretary of state, comptroller, commissioner of the general land office, attorney general. [I can assure you that with One Tough Grandma on such a panel in Texas, dollars and sense would prevail!]

And last, but certainly not least, our condolences and prayers go out to the family, friends and congregation of Monty Price, his wife and son, and family friend Miss Stovall. I didn't know any of them personally, but by all accounts they represented what I like to call "the salt of the earth," and our community will be lessened by their leaving even as Heaven gains. Vaya con Dios, amigos.

Weekend extravagations...

As if we didn't have enough proof that the rich and famous are different from the rest of us, we read that Michael and Catherine are suing a Brit tabloid for running photos of their wedding. Can't blame them, actually; a wedding is a private and solemn ceremony, conducted before God and man as a symbol of...eh, what's that? Oh, they're really ticked off because (1) they had contracted with ANOTHER tabloid to run the "exclusive" photos, (2) their "private lives" were violated, (3) they'll lose income from syndication rights and (4) their careers will be damaged because the photos that were printed were of "poor quality."

Here's a little game to play while waiting for the next installment of "Joe Millionaire." See how many contradictions, ironies and just plain stupid statements you can spot in these allegations.

OTOH, one has to feel a tiny bit of pity for the couple. After all, neither has made the Forbes "Celebrity 100" power list for years, and missing the company of people like Adam Sandler (#26 in 2002 ), Regis Philbin (#73) and Lil' Bow-Wow (#90) just has to hurt.

Quote of the Week: "Crime doesn't pay, but pointless crime is particularly infuriating."

Ummm...Okaaaaay.....?

School bond and ED: Actions speak louder than words...TV ad accessibility...

"If there's a hole in your story or your fence, whatever you'd rather didn't get out–will." Texas Bix Bender

Today (as I write) is the first day of early voting in yet another bond election to determine if we'll pull the Midland junior and high school facilities out of their death spiral. I have absolutely no feel for the outcome. The rhetoric from the opposition seems significantly reduced in recent days, and I'm thankful for that. But for all I know, the relative silence is borne out of a sense of impending triumph, rather than a bow to logic.

I've been working as a part of team to put together an advertising and promotion campaign for the Midland Development Corporation (MDC), in response to an RFP issued by the Midland Chamber of Commerce. Besides the usual print and broadcast material, the MDC wants a promotional CD-ROM and a website (the latter being where my meager contribution has focused). I can't help wondering how we (or whoever the successful group may be) will deal with another school bond defeat. Look at any of the competing ED websites around the state - well, don't bother...take my word for it, I've looked at a bunch - they all have a section devoted to "lifestyle" and "educational facilities." It's no great secret that quality of schools ranks pretty high on everyone's list of criteria when it comes to making a decision about relocating a bunch of employees.

I know that the MDC's campaign will trumpet our community's "commitment to progress" and "farsightedness" and all those warm-and-fuzzy adjectives that show that we're here for the long-term. But, I can't help thinking how much louder actions speak than words.

The RFP asked that proposals consider how to reinforce the new Midland/Odessa MSA brand. You remember that one: "Two Cities - No Limits." I just hope that our competitors in the ED arena aren't able to substitute that with "Two Cities - One Approved School Bond." I guess the spun version of that outcome could be: "Two Cities - 50% of Which Passed Recent School Bonds."

Ehhhh. That's not even funny.

As a postscript to my last posting regarding website accessibility, I must share my amusement with a TV commercial that's been running recently on some cable channels. It's for a company that sells hearing aids via a website... hearingplanet.com or something like that. Anyhoo, I noticed today that the ad doesn't put in print anywhere on the screen words similar to "hearing aids available from our website" or "we sell hearing aids online." The voiceover makes that clear, but there's no writing to go along with it.

Am I the only one who thinks that a message geared to people with hearing problems ought to be presented in a visual form, rather than auditory?

Of course, having said that, I also understand that most customers for hearing aids come to the buying point not through any desire of their own, but only as a result of constant nagging by a had-it-up-to-here spouse. So, perhaps I've just mis-identified the target audience!

Website accessibility (for web geeks, current and aspiring)...

I'm giving a presentation in February at a lunchtime meeting sponsored by the Nonprofit Management Center of the Permian Basin. The talk will focus on websites for nonprofit organizations (my own design business excluded ;-), and will give some tips for using them to generate modest revenue streams, enough, at least, to pay hosting costs and domain registration. I'm also going to address some usability and accessibility issues.

While doing some research in the latter area, I learned something new: the placement of links on a webpage can significantly affect its accessibility by certain disabled visitors. Apparently, the assistive software/hardware used by those with mobility/dexterity or vision disabilities requires that the user move through a webpage in a linear fashion. Non-disabled visitors are able to move through the same page in a random fashion (and I'm sure I've always taken that for granted). The linear-movement constraint means that one must "tab" from one link to the next according to the order they appear on the page. This means that when a page has, say, 20 links in the right column - a very common layout - the disabled visitor must tab through 20 links before getting to the main text on the page.

The problem this poses a vision-impaired visitor should be obvious. The text-to-speech software can't read the main text until it is able to focus on it. The problem for the mobility-impaired visitor may be less obvious, but he or she can't access any imbedded links in that main text without going through the standard nav table.

Then, multiply this problem by the number of pages on the website, as every page is probably going to present the same standard navigational layout. What is otherwise considered effective design - standardized sitewide navigation - has actually become an impediment to accessibility.

So, what's the solution? According to the US Government's Access Board, the suggested solution is to provide a means of skipping repetitive navigation links. This is accomplished by placing in the upper left corner of a webpage a link that reads "Skip Navigation Links" or something similar, and point it to an "anchor" that resides "after" those nav links...say, at the beginning of the page's main text. Thus, the user of assistive technology could choose to either tab through the "Skip Navigation Links" link to access the nav links, or click on the Skip link to jump past them.

As I understand it, the Section 508 accessibility regulations actually require this "skip link" for repetitive nav bars, although I haven't noticed it on the few governmental sites I've recently visited. Here's why. Go to the IRS website. Pick out any page, and take a look at the source code. You'll find the following two lines near the top of the coding:

<a href="#skiplink"><img src="/irs/cda/common/images/blank.gif" alt="Skip To Main Content" width=1 height=1 border=0></a>
<a href="#leftNavSkip"><img src="/irs/cda/common/images/blank.gif" alt="Skip Past Header" width=1 height=1 border=0></a>

The IRS has chosen to place the Skip link around a 1x1 pixel transparent gif, counting on the screen reader to pick up the ALT tag to describe the function of the link.

Another solution, as suggested by accessibility expert and author Joe Clark, is to move the repetitive nav links to the right side of the page. This allows access of the main text without having to tab through the nav links (depending, of course, on how the page is actually laid out; there are ways of getting a right-side layout to appear in the code before the main text, which defeats the accessibility purpose). For more on Mr. Clark's candid opinions regarding accessible web design, read the transcript of his interview with Slashdot. He does have a observation about sites that use invisible GIFs for their Skip links, as we noticed on the IRS site (here's a hint: he doesn't like 'em. The invisible GIFs, that is, not the IRS.)

I thought I was pretty up-to-date on design issues affecting accessibility. I'm reminded once again that the opportunities to prove my relative ignorance are, um, relatively limitless. OTOH, a day in which I've learned something new is a day not wasted. I trust you take the same view.

[Note: I will certainly not get into this level of detail at the aforementioned luncheon meeting, but it is a good example of the complexities that we designers face on a daily basis. Now, don't you feel sorry for us?]

Speed doesn't kill; it's the sudden stop at the end....Tithing redux...

"If there's a hole in your story or your fence, whatever you'd rather didn't get out–will." Texas Bix Bender

And the "Splitting Hairs Award" goes to the Texas Department of Public Safety for declaring that the recent 69 car pileup in Houston was "the result of bad weather, not excessive speed." Sure, according to one officer, "you could only see about ten feet in front of you" due to extremely heavy fog, but no one was going more than 65 - the posted speed limit on the freeway. In other words, you just can't fight mother nature.

I think they're right in one respect: the natural ability of humans to do really stupid things is apparently boundless!

In a previous edition of the Gazette, I made a couple of observations about the decision of Andrew "Jack" Whittaker to give a tithe of his pre-tax Powerball winnings, a gift amounting to a tidy $17 million. I figured his action would focus something of a spotlight on the practice of tithing, and so I wasn't surprised to see an article in the January 10th edition of the Wall Street Journal about some reactions to Mr. Whittaker's generosity.

It seems that some are going on record as saying that they wouldn't have accepted his gift (which, as you may recall, will be split among three West Virginia churches), due to its "tainted" origins. We note, somewhat cynically of course, that those who are taking this "high road" are coincidentally churches and organizations which were not designated as intended recipients to begin with. Still, there's no good reason to doubt their sincerity.

The author of the WSJ article, Brian McGuire, interviewed a Salvation Army spokesman who expressed a different opinion about taking money from such sources. "Our founder, William Booth, was accustomed to taking money from these sources....we intend to wash it in the tears of widows and orphans and lay it on the altar of humanity." The latter phrase was a quote from William Booth himself.

I'm completely comfortable leaving the decision to accept such a donation as a matter for a church to work out with its understanding of what God wants it to do in such a situation. But I would also caution those who view lottery proceeds as "tainted money" to give careful consideration to the myriad other sources of "taint"...especially in God's eyes. Who among us in the course of a year's work would suggest that our every decision, judgment, agreement and action was taken in full accordance with the will of God...and thus generating proceeds "worthy" to be tithed?

It's dangerous not to make distinctions of degree regarding illegal or immoral actions, as defined by societal laws and mores. I submit to you that it's even more dangerous to make such distinctions when assessing God's view of such actions (the "unenlightened" term is "sin"). The degrees or distinctions of "sin," "bad sin" and "really bad sin" are man's invention, and I can't find anything in the Bible to suggest that God ever gave His approval to those terms. And one sure way to get your mule in an ant bed is to start leaving footprints where God doesn't walk.

End of sermon. For now, anyway.

Literary Lint...

"If there's a hole in your story or your fence, whatever you'd rather didn't get out–will." Texas Bix Bender

Today's post is sort of the literary equivalent of running one of those masking tape lint rollers over a fleece vest that's been through the washer a few times too many. It doesn't improve the fleece all that much, but it's something you just have to do now and then, if for no other reason than to make room for more lint.

• I just experienced a wonderful online first. This message flashed on my screen as I waited for a page from the Wall Street Journal to load: "The operation timed out while trying to contact ad.doubleclick.net." My joy at not having to view the annoying ads was somewhat tempered by having to click "OK" to close the multiple message windows that popped up in their place. [Make a note, kiddies: that's called "irony." Impress your English teacher.]
  
  
• Speaking of online ads, I did just see one that made me laugh. It's a crudely-drawn "South Park"-style animation of the bulbous orange Cingular iconman jumpstarting a prone and brown pine tree with defibrillator paddles. The tree jumps upright, turns green and Christmas lights appear, along with the message, "we're not quite through celebrating the holidays" or something to that effect. Very clever. I thought about showing my appreciation by clicking on the ad, but quickly came to my senses.
  
  
• Speaking of Cingular, doesn't that bulbous orange iconman remind you of jacks? You know, the offline, non-joystickable game played with a choking-hazardous bouncing ball and weapons-grade metallic objects designed to hide in dark hallways, awaiting bare feet on midnight bathroom runs? Does anyone still play jacks? (Somebody please stop me; I'm starting to sound like Gary Ott...)
  
  
• Speaking of games, did you see the quote from ex-Texas Rangers catcher Pudge Rodriguez, who is finding free agency to be tough sledding (if I may be permitted to mix my sports). He whines, "I don't know what's happening. They don't want to give anybody over three years and they don't want to pay anybody over $10 million...I'm not asking for a lot, just fair money. I can't believe this is happening. Nobody calls." You know, up to this point, I was always a big Pudge fan. He played hurt, he played tough, and there's no question his body will carry permanent damage from his chosen profession. But, Pudge, listen up...nobody cares that you can't get more than 10 extra-large per annum. Live with it.
  
  
• Speaking of nobody caring, I think I now know how the rest of the country feels whenever they hear the Dallas Cowboys referred to as "America's Team" (which, thankfully, occurs less and less frequently). I am speaking, of course, about the upcoming "TV Event" on the self-proclaimed Superstation: the story of John Kennedy, Jr. - "America's Prince." OK, I get the reference to Camelot and the Kennedy "dynasty" and all that, but isn't this just a tad hyperbolic, even for The Superstation?
  
  
• Speaking of hyperbole, I derived immense enjoyment out of today's edition of James Lileks' "Bleat," as he recounted the accidental whacking of his dog, Jasper, upside the head with a baseball bat. Jasper didn't yelp, he says; he just blinked his eyes a few times like he was rebooting his brain, and then went on like nothing happened. I sent the link to my wife at her office and she wrote back that if we ever did something like that to our dog, she'd crawl under the bed and never appear again; rebooting wasn't an option with her. She's just too weirded out by reality. I couldn't help but think...yeah, we've got a DOS dog in a GUI world.
  
  
• And, mercifully – finally - speaking of running out of segues... I had to invent a word today. I hope no one else has done it already, as I'd really like to claim a piece of history for my own. I needed a term to describe a word that slips past your spell-checker because it's spelled correctly, it's just the wrong word. It's not a homonym (necessarily), it's not a synonym...it's...it's...what is it? See, I have this friend - an absolute prodigy at misspelling - who recently got one of those computer spell-checkers that sits on top of your operating system and beeps at misspellings, regardless of the software in which they appear. In the right hands, it can be an instrument of great power and goodness. In her hands, unfortunately, it has led to a new problem - the one I just described. Now I have to run her emails through a new set of filters, trying to find what correctly spelled but oh-so-wrong word took the place of the, well, correct word.
  
  So, anyway, you can see my problem...you just can't describe it. Until now. I hereby officially christen such words "chameleonyms©." Get it? See, they masquerade themselves as real words, but they aren't...well, they are, but, you know, they're wrong. Like a chameleon. Sort of. Pretty clever, huh? I've also decided, in my beneficent way, to release into the public domain a shorter version of this new word, "chamenym" and an even shorter variation, "camonym" (after "camouflage"). So enjoy using the new word. Don't worry about sending your royalty payment; I've got a friend of a friend of a friend who's programming a special bot to crawl the internet seeking usage of my new term, and initiating a PayPal draft every time it appears. Who knows...I may one day hire Pudge to play jacks with my short-circuited dog.

Have a good weekend, folks. Try to play outside a while, would you? And try not to dream dreams of ricin...

Quotes fer Real Texans...Who comes up with this stuff?

"There are rules to horse ridin', but the horse won't necessarily know them."

That's one of many great quotes from a little book I received as a Christmas stocking stuffer. The book is entitled "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On! II," so I guess there's a volume one, unless the author's just messin' with my head. Actually, a quick Googling reveals that there is a volume one, along with a number of other similar books by Texas Bix Bender. He now lives in Nashville, so I don't know that we can take him all that seriously anymore. On the other hand, the ability to overlook the results of embarrassing decisions is part of The Cowboy Way, so I say live and let live.

Anyway, there's something appealing and satisfying about how those old-timey sayings can shed rays of wisdom on current situations that we'd be tempted to say are much too complicated and, well, advanced for such rustic advice. In fact, I found myself in a recent situation with a website client where the preceding quote was so applicable I spewed Diet Vanilla Coke out my nose when I realized it. But that's another story (which is code for "he may read this blog").

If you live in Midland, did you happen to catch the article headline on the front page of the MRT?

"Animals Play Key Role In Rodeo Success"

You coulda knocked me over with a feather. All this time I've been marvelling at the skill and dexterity of them guys in them horse and bull suits...not to mention the sheer courage of the ones who climb into the steer suits. You gotta be pretty secure to play a steer.

But now we come to find out that it's really...gasp...animals that are playing the roles, of, well, animals. What's this world coming to?

On a not-so-light note, I almost walked into the living room wall this morning as I was heading out to pick up the paper and heard this line emanating from the mouth of a local morning show anchor (who shall remain unnamed but who bears an eerie resemblance to Sandy Duncan, and, yes, I know...that pretty much rules out Mel Hudman):

"Texas boasts the highest police fatality rate in the nation."

OK, to their credit, they changed this lead-in the next time the story cycled, but still...?! "Boasts"? I know we Texans take pride in our tough and rugged, um, whatever (look at the guys in the steer suits), but that was just embarrassing.

You can do better, folks.

Contrasting Lottery Winners...Your Texas Tax Dollars at work...the Ugly Season...

I couldn't help noting the contrast between the reactions of two recent lottery winners.

Everybody now knows the account of Jack Whittaker of West Virginia, who claimed the $300M+ Powerball prize a week or so ago. Already a self-proclaimed - albeit humble - millionaire business owner, Whittaker immediately announced his intention to donate $17M to three local churches. He was quite matter-of-fact about the reason for this generosity. This amount represents a cool 10% of his winnings (he elected to take the upfront cash payment option)...and that's the scriptural tithe. Now, I know a lot of people who are regular tithers (well, they say they are, and I have no reason to doubt them), but I wonder how many of them tithe on their gross income, before FIT? Ignoring the arguments on both sides of the "before taxes, after taxes" debate, I have to say that Jack's example is bound to challenge many who take seriously the Judeo-Christian tradition of giving a tithe to God, but who have struggled to figure out just exactly what that means.

In any event, compare Whitaker's reaction to that of yet another lottery winner, announced almost simultaneously but completely overshadowed by the magnitude of the Powerball payoff. This lady, a New Mexico resident who shall remain nameless, won $100K. A self-proclaimed welfare mom - during the TV interview she admitted that her paperwork at the welfare office was "this thick," accompanied by a inch or two gap between thumb and forefinger - she believed that this windfall would turn her life around. Among other things, she could now pay off her creditors, maybe buy a house, and her son could finally afford...

Afford what? To get that operation he has so desperately needed since infancy? To go to college? To replace the ragged clothes that made him the butt of jokes at school? We hung on every word, waiting to hear to what glorious pinnacle this money would catapult him.

...to get a necklace that didn't come from Wal-Mar...umm...(she apparently realized her faux pas: better not knock Wal-Mart, at least not on camera)...the Dollar General Store.

Well, you got to have your priorities, you know?

Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous: temps in the 60s, almost no wind, clear skies with the blue extending down almost to the horizon, perhaps indicating an abnormally low amount of atmospheric particulate matter. We went for a tandem ride, doing our usual 20 mile out-and-back route which takes us on the Hwy 191 service road to Hwy 1788. Apart from the shrew in the Dodge Ram dually who noisely made known her outrage over our presence in the right lane of the road, the ride was perfect.

We were taken aback, however, at the half dozen tractor-pulled mowers moving down the 191 medians. I mean, did anyone actually look at the vegetative state of those medians before order a full mowing crew to go to work on a Saturday? I've seen lawns in my neighborhood - which is a very nice neighborhood, generally speaking - needing mowing more than those medians. OK, I'll admit that where the rare rainfall puddled, there were a few forlorn patches of weeds pushing 6" in height, but that's all.

I suppose the company's contract with TX-DOT requires a scalping every x months, without specifying that there should be any judgment as to whether the service is needed or not. That flushing sound you hear in the background is simple your money moving from the public sector into the private sector. That's got to be good, right? For someone? Anyone?

But the piece de resistance was served up as we approached the 191/158 overpass on our way back in, and there on either side of the service road were two guys industriously operating weedeaters - WEEDEATERS! - around the various signs, reflector poles and who knows what else might be protruding from the medians. Well, it's nice to know that even though our schools may be falling apart, our bar ditches are by gum going to be squared away!

From the back of the bike, my wife commented, "you'd think they'd be doing a far better service by spending that time picking up trash." Which brings us to...

This is the ugly season in Midland County. The weather in this young year may have been nice, but the view certainly ain't. Drive west on 191 and you'll see what I mean. The denuded mesquite as far as the eye can see is adorned with plastic bags. Trash from church construction site is plastered against the south fence, courtesy of the big New Year's Day windstorm. The rednek populace has been busy sowing its seed in the form of bottles and cans (I spied one next to the road with the incongruous word "Natural" emblazoned across it in red). A big Telemundo sign blew in from somewhere and came to rest upright against a shrub, looking like a midget billboard. I think we'd have been better off, aesthetically anyway, not getting the good fall rains, as the trash shows up much better against the green winter weeds that sprang up as a result.

It's enough to make a singing cowboy cry:

Oh, spare me the home
Where the Wal-Mart bags roam
Where the cans and the bottles do lay.
Where never is found
A patch of junk- and trash-free ground
And mesquite are re-decorated each day.

Trash, trash on the range
Where the cans, bags and bottles do lay.
Where the roadrunner can't run
And the coyote has no fun
'Cause the trash is thick and here to stay.

New Year's Day Musings

I love New Year's Day. It's one of the few remaining holidays that's essentially non-commercialized; you don't have to spend a dime to enjoy it. It's one of the few holidays where sitting around doing nothing is not only acceptable, but recommended. And it marks the kind of transition that warms an accountant's heart. More about that in a minute.

We spent New Year's Eve with friends, playing an enjoyably sillly game while a DVD of "Eight Legged Freaks" played in the background, grazed on an amazing array of empty-caloried food-like substances, and toasted midnight with some truly awful alcohol-free apple cider and grape juice. We were home and in bed around 1:00...really late (or early) for us. It was a pleasant and stress-free way to welcome Y2K.v3.

We slept until about 7:30 or so, had a leisurely breakfast and read the paper while draining a pot of coffee. The dog walked us, then we went for a run, continuing a long tradition of getting in a good workout on New Year's Day. We generally try to go for a tandem ride, weather permitting, but today our bike is in the shop for a new timing chain. Anyway, the extremely windy conditions would have kept us off the bike, so we substituted a five-mile run - long enough to justify what we were about to do at lunch, but not so long as to impair our ability to enjoy it. Lunch was honey-glazed ham, hopping john with jalapeño black-eyed peas (you did have your black-eyed peas today, didn't you?), baked butternut squash, homemade biscuits and carrot cake from Rosa's. It really doesn't get any better than that, beer commercial testimonials to the contrary. Then, time to retire to the couch for mindless TV ("American Flyers" for our bicycling quota - the second best cycling movie ever made, an episode or two from the Twilight Zone marathon - slightly tarnished by the Subway sponsorship...worst commercials on TV, on the whole, especially those featuring that Jim yahoo - and now a DVD of "Reign of Fire," the second best dragon movie ever made. All the while the wind continues to howl, making our laziness that much more justifiable. And enjoyable.

You may have noticed an omission from this description, possibly a glaring one, depending on your perspective. No football. Not that I have anything against the bowl games; I just haven't worked up an interest in any of the matchups.

I also haven't mentioned resolutions. I don't know anyone who makes New Year's resolutions. Or, perhaps, no one who will admit to making them. If you do, fine. That doesn't make you a bad person. But for me - and this is just for me, mind you - New Year's resolutions would be the way I would admit to and rationalize my failures from the preceding year. For example, perhaps I resolve to have more patience with idiot drivers. This implies that I wasn't very patient last year. (This is, by the way, absolutely true, but that's beside the point.) That's sort of a negative way of viewing things.

I prefer instead to think in terms of New Year's goals. Goals don't focus on or even acknowledge past failures. The downside is that goals also imply a higher degree of accountability. Again, that's just my perspective.

But, resolutions can be entertaining. I've always wondered, if most people can't keep 'em longer than a week or two, why don't they resolve to do the opposite of what they really want to accomplish. Want to lose weight? Resolve to eat a box of Krispy Kremes each day. Want to raise your IQ? Resolve to watch "The Bachelorette" each week. That would work, wouldn't it?

The real attraction of New Year's Day for me is the transition to a new calendar, the anticipation of a clean temporal slate. Books are closed, yearly totals (of whatever) are tabulated. Unless your life is based on an accrual basis of reckoning, events and results are easily slotted, categorized, archived. The clock literally starts over again. The Month-At-A-Glance on my desktop (the real one) is closed and filed, replaced by a new one, fresh and clean. [Incidentally, this is one pleasure that will never be fulfilled by a PDA-resident electronic calendar.]

These are the transitions I hold dear: another new beginning to a decade-long annual cycle of reading through the Bible, day-by-day; a new workout schedule to complete in meticulous, OCD-driven detail (it all has to do with discipline, for me); a new set of accounting worksheets in my crude-but-effective and oh-so-cheep Excel-based bookkeeping system; a fresh calendar for adding opportunities to learn more about my craft, my hobbies, my abilities (and limitations).

It's gonna be a great year! Feel free to join me.