Movie Review: "Indiana Jones and the Frenetic Something-or-Other"

This review contains no spoilers.

My wife and I caught a matinée of the new Indiana Jones flick this afternoon and we were simultaneously entertained and disappointed. The latest installment in the franchise carries on the tradition of alternating great offerings with mediocre ones. It's just too bad we had to wait forty years or whatever it was to get a mediocre one.

The movie has a lot of the things we grew to love about the series: exotic locations, death-defying escapes, treachery and villains and creepy animals, and a hero who doesn't take himself too seriously.

What this one is missing, unfortunately, is a credible plot, and a limit on the degree to which the director wants to strain the credulity of the audience. If you think Bruce Willis survived some unbelievable things in Live Free or Die Harder, you ain't seen nothing yet. A few of the scenes were almost embarrassingly silly; Indy's ophidiophobia has, frankly, jumped the shark (or the rat snake, to be precise).

Another thing that was missing was the nostalgic feel of the earlier movies. This one takes place in the Cold War, Commie-Behind-Every-Corner Fifties, and it just feels too modern, somehow, especially with the heavy dose of science fiction stirred into the plot. Without giving away any spoilers, I kept expecting Fox Mulder to enter a scene, and some of the props were apparently inspired by H.R. Giger.

Still, it sported some seriously cool special effects, and it served as good-if-not-classic entertainment. Nowadays, that last thing is nothing to sniff at.

Ant Rating:

Asides:

• The best thing about the movie? The trailers for Hellboy II and Hancock. Both look to be great entertainment for what is surely going to be a long, hot summer.


• Don't bother sitting through the credits of this movie, unless you just like watching them. There are no outtakes or Easter Eggs.

"The Awful Truth" is Awfully Funny

I've started flipping over to the Turner Classic Movies channel at lunch – meals are more enjoyable without the trauma and drama of CNN or Fox News – although I rarely finish watching whatever happens to be showing. Today was an exception, though, as I tuned in about halfway through The Awful Truth, a 1937 movie starring Cary Grant and Irene Dunne (and featuring Asta, the precocious terrier from The Thin Man series; he plays Mr. Smith in this movie).

These movies provide wonderful insights into the society and culture of past eras, but this one in particular also provides a vivid reminder of how far the state of movie comedy has fallen. Both Grant and Dunne turn in laugh-out-loud performances without offending the sensibilities or resorting to slapstick. OK, I take that back – but nobody did (or does) slapstick like Cary Grant! And while Dunne is not a beauty in the classic sense, the closing scene is more sensual than just about anything appearing in today's theaters.

The Awful Truth earned director Leo McCarey an Oscar, and it was nominated for Best Picture. If light-hearted and sophisticated comedies are your cup of tea, put this one on your NetFlix queue, or look for a re-run on TCM (February 11 and March 21).

"White Christmas" Trivia

One of our favorite Christmas movies is White Christmas, the 1954 film starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye (I can't believe I'm even bothering to tell you that, but perhaps there's someone in the universe who hasn't seen the movie). After years of telling each other "we really need to buy that movie" I finally did so last week and we watched it this afternoon while MLB wrapped the last of the gifts (well, except for those I just finished wrapping, having waited until the last possible minute to do so...and, boy, does it show! But that's another story for another time.).

One thing I've wondered about is why every last one of Vera-Ellen's outfits in the movie has a high neckline. Vera-Ellen plays Judy Haynes, Danny Kaye's love interest in the movie. The costuming is really obvious when she's next to Rosemary Clooney, whose wardrobe features necklines that go in the opposite direction.

As it turns out, before anorexia had even been defined as a disease, Vera-Ellen had it, at least according to her bio at IMDB.com. That's easy to believe given her slender build (the bio says that she had a 21" waist, bigger than Scarlett O'Hara's but still certifiably waspish; plus, Scarlett wasn't, you know, real), although it certainly didn't seem to affect her amazing dancing skills. Anyway, one of the effects of her anorexia was a prematurely aged neck, and the costumes were designed to cover that flaw.

I doubt that I'll ever be able to watch White Christmas again without focusing on that fashion design, and the reason for it. I see no reason why you shouldn't be equally distracted. Merry Christmas!

"The Hobbit" - 2 years and counting

I have no words adequate to express (1) the hype that will accrue as the release date for The Hobbit draws closer, or (2) the absolute depth of my embrace and assimilation of that hype.

One huge question looms, however, with regard to director Peter Jackson's decision to film a sequel to The Hobbit, something that I'm pretty sure author J.R.R. Tolkien didn't anticipate (as if he anticipated any movies derived from his writing). And that question is...

Only one? Are you insane?! C'mon, man! Why not six, or twelve, or twenty!?! One is not enough!

Ahem.

Update: Link to "TheOneRing.net" added above

Movie Review: "I Am Legend"

As everyone surely knows, I Am Legend is a remake of The Omega Man, a 35 year old movie starring Charlton Heston. This time around, Will Smith takes the lead as the last [normal] human being on the planet, following the spread of a virus that apparently cured cancer but had the rather unfortunate side effect of turning folks into rabid cannibals with sensitive skin.

While Smith turns in his usual charismatic and nuanced performance (he plays a very convincing "frightened") , I Am Legend will, ultimately, prove not to be. It's an acceptable horror movie (something the original -- which I believe was itself a remake) failed to achieve, and it never sinks into the same depths of preachiness or saccharin-sweet background music of The Omega Man. On the other hand, it doesn't take us anywhere new; it just spruces up the original scenery a bit.

Here are some random observations from the movie:

***SPOILER ALERT: BIG TIME SPOILERS AHEAD – YOU ARE WARNED!***

• This is just a test random comment in case you couldn't avert your eyes in time.


• Will Smith's dog is wonderful. She has an acting range that exceeds many of today's higher paid human counterparts.


• The dog dies. In the worst possible way (well, if you're a dog lover, you'll think it is). Fortunately, it's not graphic.


• The zombies are truly horrible creatures, unlike the albinos with bad attitudes in the original. They also are obviously CGI'd, and share some odd characteristics with the mummies from The Mummy film franchise – one of which is the ability to bellow unnaturally loudly while opening their mouths really wide. What's with that?


• Also, after three years of being mindless cannibals, they still wore clothes. Well, this is a PG-13 movie, after all.


• We never learn why rats and dogs are susceptible to infection, but deer and lions are not. I'm haunted by that mystery.


• Equally odd is that infected humans and infected dogs continue to have the same cooperative relationship as their uninfected counterparts.


• Will bacon really last three years?

At just over 100 minutes, I Am Legend moves at a brisk pace. It's never boring. But, in the end, it's not very satisfying either. This is one instance where the original needed more than just updating; it could have done with a makeover.

Movie Review: "The Mist"

I'll save you some time: don't bother.

Spoilers follow. But if you're smart, you'll be skipping this movie and so it doesn't matter.

What started out as a pretty decent horror/sci-fi short story by Stephen King has been turned into a preachy and often boring movie that has the added bonus of plumbing new depths in portraying unpleasant stereotypes of Christianity. Marcia Gay Harden plays such an annoyingly shrill religious harpy that – I swear this is true – the crowd in the theater actually cheered and clapped when she met her inevitable and unsurprising end. (I heard a woman in the row behind us say to the screen, "you're not so tough now, are you?")

The ending of the movie was as illogical as it was manipulative and annoying (there's that word again). Oh, and did I mention that there wasn't a shred of humor in the entire 127 minute production? That didn't stop my wife and I from laughing at it, but it's not what the screenwriter and director were going for, I don't think.

My advice? Skip the movie and re-read the short story.

Coming Attractions

After the frenzy of Live Free or Die Hard and Transformers, we were in the mood for some mellower escapism, so we went to see Ocean's 13 on Wednesday. It met all expectations – which weren't high – and it didn't invoke epilepsy or impose deafness. We did suffer a slight strain of credulity, but that had already been painfully stretched by the previous two movies.

But, that's neither here nor there. What I really want to briefly touch upon are three upcoming "events" that merit further consideration, listed below in reverse chronology and by increasing potential entertainment value:

• We saw the trailer for the remake of The Omega Man; this time it's called I Am Legend. It stars Will Smith, and I'll buy a ticket to watch Smith in just about anything, especially if it's sci-fi. Apparently, this time around the survivors of the apocalypse are vampires, instead of the scabrous albinos Charlton Heston had to deal with. Anyway, it's set to open in December, to help us get in the Christmas spirit.


• A more intriguing movie is set to open in August; it's Stardust, a fantasy with a cast of heavyweights including Robert DeNiro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Claire Danes, Ian McKellan, Ricky Gervais, and Peter O'Toole. Looks like a combination of Harry Potter, POTC, and Time Bandits.


• If you grow impatient awaiting those premiers, just try to hold out until next Monday, July 9th, when the Fruit of the Loom guys roll out their new music video, starring Vince Gill. Oops...I probably wasn't supposed to reveal that detail. Oh well. The ad ran with the trailers preceding Ocean's 13 and I thought I was going to collapse onto the theater floor, where I'd die a spasmodic death, stuck to the linoleum, but happy nonetheless for having viewed something so hilarious. Put a note on your calendar and visit the Fruit Guys on Monday. You'll be glad you did.

Movie Review: "Transformers"

I had such high hopes for Transformers. After all, with the backing of Spielberg's Dreamworks Studio, and the directing touch of Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island), plus a plot line custom made for special effects, this had the potential for the "summer blockbuster" that thus far hasn't materialized (the latest Die Hard doesn't qualify due to its R rating).

Instead, what we've got is a confused example of cinematic schizophrenia, a movie that one moment is channeling The Terminator and the next minute is a knock-off of Gremlins. The dialog is uniformly awful when spoken by adults (or Transformers), but pretty darned entertaining when given to the teenagers in the cast. And – I never thought I'd type these words – the special effects were, well, too much.

Stay with me on this one. The very best special effects are those that unfold in a leisurely manner on the screen, so that one can search for flaws in the technique, or clues as to how they were done, and in the happy instances where both are non-discernible, subconsciously buy in completely to the reality presented by the film. A good example of this is Alien; Transformers, with its mind-numbing frenzy, occupies the other end of the spectrum.

Of course, I'm not the target demographic for this movie, not by decades. The Nephew has already declared it the best movie ever made (draw your own conclusions from that), and the IMDB ratings are through the roof. I suspect that if you're already a fan of the cartoon, the movie represents a little bit of heaven.

As far as casting, Shia LeBeouf is the spitting image of John Cusack, albeit much younger, and Megan Fox is the next Jessica Alba (there again, draw your own conclusions). John Turturro and Jon Voight seem remarkably inept (blame the script), but all the humans are really just supporting cast for the Transformers. The aliens have mostly chosen to live as muscular vehicles, with the exception of one poor guy who was stuck being a Pontiac Solstice, which is a fine-looking little car, but hardly instills confidence as a protector of Earth. More interesting is the appearance of the 2009 Camaro (possibly tuned by Saleen, along with some of the Transformer/Mustang police cars) which looks awfully derivative of a two-door Dodge Charger.

At 2 hours, 24 minutes, the movie pummeled us into submission. That's a transformation I just can't recommend.

Movie Review: Yippee-ki-yay

Note: This review contains spoilers. If you want to skip the details and just get the rating, I'm going with 4 ants out of 5.

Of all the "action adventure" movie franchises, the Die Hard series is our favorite for its combination of logic-defying stunts and plot-lines and comic relief. There's never any suspense about the outcome; you're concerned only with how much punishment John McClane can take before he exacts justice on the bad guys.

The latest installment, Live Free or Die Hard, is a worthy fourth member of the franchise, and features Bruce Willis playing his age (unlike, say, Harrison Ford in the disappointing Firewall [Gazette review here]). The fact that he's apparently even more resilient and indestructible than ever is in keeping with the most ludicrous plot thus far: the hacking into the secret government system that stores the details of every financial transaction in the American economy – strictly for backup purposes, you know.

McClane's unwilling sidekick in this installment is Matt Farrell, a 20-something cracker/slacker who unwittingly provided some of the coding for the Big Hack, and has been targeted for elimination by the bad guys. McClane is sent to bring Farrell in for FBI questioning and, of course, all hell breaks loose from the moment they meet. Farrell is played by sloe-eyed Justin Long (the Apple in the "I'm an Apple/I'm a PC" commercials). He's the requisite new and hotness yin to McClane's old and busted yang, but he brings the same likable, earnest geekitude that we first saw in Galaxy Quest.

Together, McClane and Farrell survive more shock and awe than Rasputin, and reveal some innovative touches for the dispatching of bad guys. (One scene, however, takes an obvious cue from a similar setup in Jurassic Park 2.)

The movie also relies on the goodwill and perceptiveness of its fans, with occasional inside jokes like a reference to "Special Agent Johnson" (think back to the first movie in the series).

The plot has holes big enough to fly an F-35B through, including one scene featuring that airplane. But you really don't care, because it's fun – it's a cartoon with human characters – and you're willing to suspend belief and logic to play along.

If you're a fan of the Die Hard series, put this one down as "must see." It's a worthy addition and you won't be disappointed.

Technorati tag: Live Free or Die Hard

The Next "Napoleon Dynamite"?

The Wall Street Journal's Joe Morgenstern reviewed Eagle vs. Shark last Friday and liked it a lot.

The trailer seems to support Morgenstern's recommendation. Gotta love those Kiwi accents, too (right, Rachel?).

Unfortunately, as it doesn't involve a $100 million/per hour running time budget and 8,000 CGI artists*, it likely won't appear in Midland except in individual mailboxes courtesy of NetFlix. Nothing seems to anathematize a film in the eyes of local programmers quite like the combination of the adjectives "quirky" and "foreign."

*Not that's there's inherently anything wrong with such films. But do they always merit four screens at a time? I think not.

Buy this DVD: "Rocking the Boat"

My "Pre-Release Special Limited Edition" copy of Rocking the Boat: A Musical Conversation & Journey arrived in yesterday afternoon's mail delivery. I opened the package immediately but managed the discipline to delay putting it in the player until late in the afternoon. Good thing, too, because once I started it, I couldn't tear myself away.

I mentioned this movie in a recent post about Delbert McClinton's local appearance last Saturday. In that post, I lamented the lack of intimacy in the concert venue that kept McClinton's music from being at its best. This DVD overcomes that limitation, and then some. The movie is a compilation of interviews and performances arising from McClinton's annual floating R&B festival – a chartered cruise ship filled with amazing musicians and appreciative fans. If you appreciate "lyric based rhythm and blues" (and, really, who doesn't?), and especially if you like the Texas and Louisiana flavors of the blues (as opposed to, say, Mississippi and Georgia), then this disk is an absolute must-have.

The cruises feature a wide range of music, ranging from alt-country to gospel to roadhouse blues to zydeco. Most of the songs are performed by the people who wrote them. Joining Delbert are luminaries such as Marcia Ball (who is introduced by a worshipful McClinton – "listening to her is like...hearing the truth."), Rodney Crowell (whose rendition of "Dancin' Circles Round the Sun" had me filling my iTunes Store shopping cart with more of his music), Paul Thorn (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Jason Statham of The Transporter movie franchise, albeit with an Alabama accent), and many others.

As much as anything, this is a tribute by, for, and to people who just like making music. They're not in it for the money; they're in it for the music, and it shows. If that statement doesn't resonate with you, you're better off with anything from the Hottest Hits rack at Best Buy, but if you know what I'm saying, you'll want to click over and buy the movie. At $25, it ain't cheap, but when you spread it out over the repeat viewings and listenings you'll subject it to, it'll be a rare value.

Note that this movie is unrated, and there are a few occurrences of strong language.

Spidey Friday: A Non-Review

[The post title really is a rhyme if you say it fast enough, and with a mouth full of popcorn.]

This isn't a review of Spiderman 3, just a few irrelevant observations. However, a couple of them are seriously spoilerish, in case you haven't seen the movie but intend to.

• I'm have increasing difficulty distinguishing between Peter Parker and Frodo Baggins. They both cry a lot.* Fortunately, Frodo has hairy feet.


• And speaking of feet, who knew that Spiderman wore stirrup pants? What a revelation. And not even broad, manly ones, but narrow sissy ones. The stirrups, that is. Well, I guess the pants as well, given that they're spandex.


• I was fascinated by the prowess of the animators who brought the Sandman to life. I'm pretty jaded when it comes to special effects, but that was awesome.


• But what was up with the black alien gel? It could travel across space, take control over other lifeforms, rendering them superhuman – but it couldn't withstand some common harmonic frequencies? Next thing you know, they'll be making movies about aliens who invade earth only to die of head colds. Oh wait...
• I actually preferred Goth Dork Spidey to Whitebread Dork Spidey, even with the eyeliner.


• However, the dance scene in the jazz club – although undeniably cool – reminded me of Jim Carrey in The Mask.


• J.J. Jameson cracks me up.

*This observation was affirmed by Robert, who with wife Sherry sat in the row behind us and smooched during the slow parts (of which there were too many, although probably not for Robert and Sherry). Sherry thanked me after the movie for giving Robert the idea of taking the afternoon off and catching a movie (oops! I guess your boss wasn't supposed to know that, huh?). I guess I'm going have to start charging a consulting fee.

Movie Reviews: Whom to Believe?

Being a professional movie reviewer is very much like being Al Gore. You can say whatever you want about the subject of your presumed expertise, and no one can actually prove you wrong (or right). You can also indulge in bucket after bucket of buttered popcorn.

The subjectivity of movie reviews has never been better illustrated than with two write-ups of the new zombie movie, 28 Weeks Later, a sequel to 28 Days Later, which itself garnered some pretty good reviews for a zombie movie.

David Germain, a reviewer for Associated Press, has this to say about 28 Weeks:

From the other side of the sticky aisle come these comments, from a fellow named Joe Morgenstern, who happens to be the Pulitzer-prize winning film critic for the Wall Street Journal and co-founder of the National Society of Film Critics:

So, who do you believe? It's not a trivial question, given the cost -- and not just in terms of dollars, but also time and hassle -- of attending a movie nowadays.

In the case of 28 Weeks, I suspect that the target demographic won't be swayed by either review. If you're a zombie fan, you're a zombie fan, and for you, the issue of distinguishing between a good zombie movie and a bad one is met with a reaction of "I don't understand the question."

But, lest we be disheartened by this absence of unanimity, the critics are on the same page with respect to Lindsay Lohan's new movie, Georgia Rules. Morgenstern draws immediate blood with this opening sentence: Certain words should be reserved for special occasions. "Abysmal" is one of them, and "Georgia Rule" is as special as such occasions get. And the AP reviewer, Christy Lemire, gives it one star. And, I think, for most people this will reinforce their decision to see Spidey3 one more time.

A Movie to Remember

I've been inundated by demands for the answer to the throwaway movie quiz I left at the end of yesterday's Random Thursday post ("inundated" being a relative term, with the scale running from zero ["overwhelmed"] to one ["inundated"]), so I'll reveal the answer in a moment.

For those who couldn't quite wade through that post, here's the description I provided: The [movie's] dialog was in English, but the movie had Dutch subtitles.

The film was being aired on the Turner Classic Movie channel, and I ran across it in the course of flipping through channels seeking some weather updates. It was obviously an American-made movie, so the presence of Dutch subtitles was intriguing. It took me a few minutes to discover what that was all about; as it turns out, the film was made in 1938, and the only surviving copy was discovered in a film archive in -- you guessed it -- the Netherlands.

The title? A Man to Remember (the movie also had an alternative title of Country Doctor).

The film predates the infinitely more familiar It's a Wonderful Life by eight years, but they both share the "richest man in town" theme.

I was also amazed at how closely many Dutch words resemble their English counterparts, or how much of our language was borrowed from or derived from theirs.

One last bit of related trivia is that some of the on-screen writing -- notes on postcards, etc. -- were overwritten in Dutch, and there's no accompanying English translation. Since this is the only remaining copy of the movie, most of us will be out of luck in ever knowing the content of those messages, other than what we can intuit* from the context.

*You probably didn't realize that if you try to hack the Wikipedia URL for the entry on "Inuit music" (and who among us hasn't, at one time or another) you'll need to misspell "Inuit" as "Intuit": http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intuit_(music).

"300": Another local voice

Jeff has finally weighed in with his review of 300, and it's a much more informed and intelligent discussion than what I put forth.

Jeff does take exception to my interpretation of the Spartan queen's actions in one particular scene, but I want to clarify that my quibble was with what I perceived to be a rather significant inconsistency in character wrought by the screenwriters, and not so much a judgment that what she did was simply inconceivable or unjustifiable.

That minor detail aside, I think he nails the movie in every aspect.

Movie Review: "300"

Warning: This post is rife with spoilers. In fact, you can't swing a dead Spartan without hitting a spoiler.

I keep waiting for Jeff's review of 300, but perhaps "Wow!" is sufficient to express everything he feels need to be said. I'm not sure I'd argue with that, either.

Rather than rehashing the movie's plot and its cinematic brilliance and genre-busting busting of genres, please indulge me the creation of a simple list of observations.

• The non-warring Spartans had weird tan lines. Their heads were tan, as were their necks, but their shoulders and chests were white. Perhaps they just broke out the v-neck togas for special staying-at-home-from-war occasions.


• A lot of Spartans seemed to have Scottish accents. Who knew?


• Lena Headey should smack the screenwriter(s) for making her Queen Gorgo -- a particularly unappealing name, by the way -- such an inconsistent character. One moment she's the perfect example of the strength and confidence one would expect from the first lady of Sparta; the next, she's weak, submissive, and willing to sacrifice her honor for political gain. Very odd. But when she's gets her groove back, she completely redeems those weak moments.


• Every now and then, I thought I'd fallen asleep and awakened in the middle of Gladiator. What is it about wheat fields and blowing pollen that is so apparently irresistible to directors of movies of this genre? There were also a lot of closeups of dirty feet.


• The violence wasn't as abhorrent as I had feared (one reason why I delayed in seeing the movie). If you can make it through Saving Private Ryan, you can make it through this. I suppose that war movies should naturally get a pass on the violence issue. The bad stuff was much more gratuitous and thus offensive (to me, anyway) in the previous Frank Miller screen adaptation, Sin City.


• Gollum really bulked up for his appearance in this movie, by the way.


• I never figured out how the captain's son could exhibit reflexes in battle that were practically clairvoyant, and yet couldn't hear and react to a galloping horse quickly enough to keep from being separated from his head. And didn't any of the onlookers -- including his father -- ever think it might be helpful to shout a warning, seeing as how they were looking right at the enemy warrior?


• The captain's breakdown following that turn of events seemed completely out of character for a Spartan.


• Some people are taking the movie way too seriously.


• Grindhouse will, judging solely by the trailer, be this year's Sin City.

OK, despite my lighthearted jabs at some of the details of the movie, I do agree with Jeff's assessment. This is a powerful, beautifully made film, and kudos go out to the director and producers for not casting The Rock or Vin Diesel or even what's-his-face -- the phone throwing guy -- in the movie.

Movie Review: "Wild Hogs"

Note: There are no spoilers in the first part of this review, but they abound in the second part. Watch for the warning if you care about such things.

I see that Wild Hogs provided Disney with its best March opening on record -- proving among other things that baseball statisticians have nothing on their Hollywood counterparts in their penchant for tracking trivia -- and I confess that I and MLB contributed to that accomplishment.

Let me say right off the bat that if you're a parent of one or more teens, do not take them with you to see this movie. It's not that I worry about your exposing them to inappropriate content, but I do fear for what little credibility you undoubtedly have left at this point in your life when they see you laughing out loud at the endless parade of junior high-level (and sometimes that's a stretch) humor that makes up the substance of this film.

I'm sure someone has computed the collective box office generated by the movies in which the amazing ensemble cast has appeared over the past few decades, and it surely runs into the hundreds of millions of dollars, if not billions (DVD sales of My Cousin Vinny alone might account for that bump). It would be hard to imagine a more likable cast than one comprised of Travolta, Allen, Macy, Lawrence, Liotta, Tomei, and -- oops, I almost gave something away; see Spoiler section below. They obviously had fun making the movie, and the sheer forces of their personalities creates an irresistible draw for the audience. Nevertheless, I didn't get an overwhelming sense of chemistry as in, say, Ocean's Eleven, nor did the movie come off as anything but a series of gags loosely stitched together by the lamest of plots: four middle-aged guys set out on Harleys to recapture the imagined freedom of their youth (or to escape the real frustrations of their, um, middle-agedness).

But, hey...it's entertainment, not brain surgery, and if you laughed at Travolta getting smacked in the face by a crow as shown in the ubiquitous trailers, you'll find plenty of other things to laugh at in the movie, and that's not all bad. Just don't admit to your kids that you went.

Spoilers ensue...

Some random observations:

• One of the funniest parts of the movie came during the closing credits, where a take-off on ABC's "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" was shown, with the makeover project being the biker bar that Travolta's character inadvertently blew up during the movie. It was complete with an annoying Ty Pennington, a crowd yelling "Bus driver, move that bus!" and appropriate emotional reactions from the tough biker dudes.


• The climactic plot-resolving twist occurred with the appearance of Peter Fonda in full Easy Rider get-up, wherein he reveals that he's still king of the highway. This was accompanied by the movie's low point -- for me -- as the young lady sitting to my left whispered to her companion, "who's that?". The youth of America have lost their cultural heritage, and it's a sad, sad thing.


• I can vouch for the movie's realism in one respect: riding a motorcycle at highway speeds without a face shield is no fun. You can wax poetic all you want about the wind in your hair, but the bugs in your teeth provide a counterpoint that can't be denied.


• The cameo appearance of Orange County Choppers' Paul Teutul Sr. was as lame as it gets. I couldn't tell if he was supposed to be gay but acting tough, or tough but acting gay. He wasn't convincing in either case. His son, Mikey, was also in the movie, but I never noticed him.


• You'd have to go back to About Schmidt to find a movie that provides more unfortunate exposure of middle-aged flesh than does this one. William H. Macy seems awfully proud of his rear-end, and for no good reason. [Didn't he display the same proclivity in The Cooler?]

Software Review: DVD to iPod Converter

Note: This post originally began as a third installment of "New Things in Our House," with an emphasis on my new iPod, but it unfolded differently than I envisioned and it seems more appropriate to style it as a software review. I mention this only to demonstrate that, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, some actual conscious reasoning is occasionally applied to what gets posted here. However, I wouldn't advise getting used to it.

My wife gave me an 80 gigabyte iPod for Christmas, the model with video capability. It's been fun to browse through the various TV shows and movies that Apple offers via the iTunes Store, and I've even bought a couple of episodes of The Office that I missed earlier this season. But that's just child's play when compared to the end game: loading commercial DVDs I already own* onto the 'pod.

This is not an easy process, for reasons both technical and legal. Well, the technical part arises from the legal part, I think, as the copy protection (isn't it more accurate to call it "copy prevention"?) schemes used by the movie studios make the conversion of the DVD content to an iPod-compatible format somewhat challenging. I have to wonder why they bother, as it seems that everybody and their dog has come up with ways to circumvent those schemes.

I'm testing one right now, as a matter of fact. It goes by the unimaginative-but-Google-friendly name of "DVD to iPod Converter", created by a company with another unimaginative name, MP4 Converter. [Side note: Someone really should do a scholarly study of how the increased significance of search engines has affected the approach to the naming of companies and products.] The preceding product link goes to the Mac version but there's also a version for Windows.

This $29 program offers one-click conversion of commercial DVDs to MP4 format, the video flavor of choice for your typical vPod. I was hoping to give you a detailed review of the various options that the program provides, but among its flaws is the lack of a user guide. I emailed the company about that last night, and had a response within eight hours, which is pretty amazing in itself. Unfortunately, the response confirmed what I feared: there is no user guide at this point; the company is presumably working on one, but for now, you're flying the program by the seat of your pants. On the other hand, if their tech support continues to be this responsive, that may not be a huge drawback. And unless you want to push the envelope on what the program will do, the basic controls are fairly intuitive and the default values work well.

Even without instructions, I was able to convert a full-length movie (Serenity, if you must know) to MP4, import it to iTunes and then onto my new iPod, where it performed admirably. However, there are a few bumps in the road:

• Speed: The application's website promises speed...with a caveat: Speed without limits, conversion speed increases with the power of your system. Translation: Our program is as fast as your computer. My 17" PowerBook G4 is no speed demon, but I was still surprised that it took just over four hours to convert this two hour movie. Granted, I ripped the DVD at the highest video setting (the program labels the setting as "Excellent") and I'm sure that contributed to the slowness of the process. The program doesn't come in Universal Binary; there's a separate download for Intel Macs, and I would expect a significant speed boost in that version.
  
  I'm now re-ripping the DVD using the "Normal" quality setting (1200 Kbps vs. 2400 for the "Excellent" setting), and I can't perceive any difference in speed. We're at the 50% mark of the conversion and that's taken two hours.
  
  Update: The second conversion, using the "Normal" quality setting, took the same amount of time as using the "Excellent" setting. However, the resulting file was about 1.1gb, or 35% smaller than the file produced by the higher quality setting. Plus, I could discern absolutely no difference in video quality when viewed on my iPod.


• File size: The resulting video is 1.7 gigabytes. Again, that's a function of the quality setting, and the lower setting will produce a smaller file. However, I'll be interested to see how the quality differences play out on the iPod's teensy screen. I'm thinking that you don't really want to give up much quality considering how much detail you're foregoing to begin with due to the small screen size. In any event, at around 2 gig per movie, my iPod will hold "only" about 40 movies...but that assumes that I don't want to carry any music or photos. Thus far, I can do without the latter, but an iPod without tunes is like a day without rutabagas, IYKWIM.


• Weird stuff: The program split the movie into two segments which appear as separate movies when imported into iTunes. I tried pretending that I was watching a laser disc and the break was just the platter flipping, but I was unconvincing. This is where a user guide would have saved some frustration. As it turns out, there's an option in the "Advance" configuration settings that allows you to specify that the converted video be divided into segments, presumably for copying to CDs or other media with limited capacity. You can specify the segment size by time or storage space (in megabytes). There's also an "Infinite" setting that allows conversion into a single file. Strangely, the default value is a 1 gigabyte segment; you have to remember to select "Infinite" each time you rip a DVD. This is a lesson that should be quickly learned, especially if you have a system as slow as mine.

Actually, I don't hold out much hope for the user guide, when it finally appears. This program was either created by folks who aren't native English speakers, or they let their third graders compile the text not only for their website but also for various dialog boxes in the program. Here's a screen shot from one:

Despite all of these things, the video and audio quality of the resulting file is really quite good when played back via the iPod. You can also choose a conversion scheme that appears to create a file that's optimized for connecting your iPod to a TV (sure wish I had a user guide), although it's not intuitive to me what the difference would be. The "Advance" options appear to provide you with the ability to make the converted movie into "pan and scan" (vs. letterbox); you can also carry subtitles over to the converted file, but I don't see where the software company will reimburse your medical costs for the acute eyestrain that would surely accompany trying to read 'em on an iPod display. And, for you audio buffs, there's an option for retaining Dolby surround sound in the conversion.

Really, for $30 bucks, this is a great deal for anyone who wants a simple way to transfer their movies from DVD to iPod. I'll try to post a follow-up report after I've had time to test some of the options, but if you're looking for a quick and easy method of DVD conversion, you should consider this one. There are some free tools available (Handbrake and MacTheRipper come to mind) but I don't think they offer the same turnkey ease and completeness of this program.

You can download a demo version of DVD to iPod Converter, but it allows you to convert only 5 minutes of a movie. It occurs to me, however, that for some films -- anything starring Rob Schneider, for example -- that's more than enough.

*Don't steal movies. That's just wrong.

Technorati tags: DVD to iPod Converter | Ripping DVDs | Loading movies on an iPod

Movie Review: "Night at the Museum"

Note: The following review probably contains plot spoilers, but if you're the kind of moviegoer that worries about a plot in a movie like this, you really need to get a life. I mean that with the utmost respect, of course.

My wife is off work until next week, so we caught a matinée of Ben Stiller's new movie, Night at the Museum. It's a harmless bit of fluff that has some true entertainment value if you go in with the right expectations.

I'm sure you've surmised the plot by now. Stiller plays a night watchman at the New York Museum of Natural History, and he soon learns that history truly comes to life each night, thanks to some ancient Egyptian magic. He encounters everything from a skeletal T-Rex who "lives" to chase his own rib, to Teddy Roosevelt, played by Robin Williams. (Why Teddy is on display in the Museum of Natural History is never adequately explained.)

Museum is basically a series of gags showcasing Stiller's not inconsequential comedic talents, along with those of Williams, Owen Wilson (as a really tiny cowboy - sort of a mini-Roy O'Bannon from Shanghai Noon/Knights), and Ricky Gervais (as the museum's director). All of the comedy is kid-friendly (and the theater full of mostly young children paid rapt attention to the on-screen action, occasionally providing running commentary that added to the fun of the movie), although there are plenty of jokes for adults, as well. (Stiller's character gently breaks it to the Confederate soldiers that the North won the Civil War, but the South got the Allman Brothers and NASCAR, so it sort of evened out.)

The addition of Dick van Dyke and a feisty-but-looney Mickey Rooney added to the fun of the film from an adult perspective. Another adults-only (in that the kids just wouldn't catch it) moment was early in the movie when Stiller visits the employment agency that lands him the museum job interview, and the employment consultant is none other than his real-life mom, Ann Meara. At one point, desperate for a job lead, he tries to ingratiate himself to her by telling her that as soon as he saw her behind the desk, he felt a real connection. She stares at him for a second, then replies, "I felt no connection." OK, it's funnier in person. (Incidentally, in 30 years, Ben is going to be the spitting image of his dad, not only in looks, but also in posture and build. He needs to enjoy life while he can.)

Based on the fact that the kids in the theater enjoyed the movie, and I got a significant quota of out-loud laughs from it, I'll rate it two-and-a-half whatevers. Take the kids to see it, enjoy some popcorn; it's not a bad way to spend some free time.

Footnotes:

• It's official: I'm old. I handed a $20 to the girl in the ticket booth, expecting to get $8 in change (matinées are $6 in Midland). Instead, she counts out nine dollars and gives me two tickets marked "Senior." Didn't even ask. Just did it. I kept the extra buck. Darn kids.


• Sit through the credits, at least half way, as there are two additional short scenes. One ties up one of the loose ends of the plot. The other is played just for laughs by van Dyke and Rooney. You know, the really old guys.


• The trailer for next summer's Transformers is awesome. Ten out of ten kids in the theater this afternoon agreed. Even the old ones.

Movie Review: "Rocky Balboa"

As usual, there are no plot spoilers in the following review.

Rather than dancing around the ring, shadow boxing and playing games, let's come out punching, shall we? Rocky Balboa is manipulative, implausible, derivative, maudlin, and predictable.

It's also surprisingly endearing, well-acted, highly entertaining and -- forgive me, please -- possibly the "feel-good movie" of the year. It's a satisfying conclusion to a movie franchise that many, including me, had written off a long time ago.

Sylvester Stallone doesn't attempt to play anything but his actual age, and while he's definitely on the buff side of 50, it's sometimes one of those "eww, Jack LaLane in a swimsuit" kinds of buff. He also continues to play a character who is supposedly 5' 11" tall, but the camera doesn't lie, Sly. You need to pick shorter leading ladies.

Nevertheless, Stallone turns in an excellent performance, tempering his trademark Italian Stallion 'tude with genuine tenderness and a realistic portrayal of a man who truly believes that what a man thinks about himself is more important than what others think. There's much fodder here for father-son (and, perhaps, father-daughter) discussions about how one defines success. The rest of us can benefit from the "age is just a state of mind" message that underlies Rocky's desire to climb back into the ring one more time.

If you're not able to leave your cynicism at the door, this movie is perhaps not for you. But the rest of you will be happily surprised, I think, at the pleasure of watching Rocky Balboa. I recommend it.

Footnotes

• There aren't any Easter Eggs in the credits, but do at least sit through the footage of various tourists and residents running up the steps at the Philadelphia Museum of Art to re-create on of the most famous scenes in film history.


• This is a fairly family-friendly movie with minimal profanity and toned-down boxing-related violence. Nevertheless, the climactic fight scene might still cause one to wonder why, exactly, two men find it necessary to beat each other's brains out. Well, except for the money, that is.

Movie Review: "Apocalypto"

Note: No plot spoilers are included in the following review, but the "Footnotes" at the end of this post do contain some minor spoilers. Be forewarned.

Think what you will about Mel Gibson and his personal indiscretions, large and small, the man can tell a story. He can also re-create a time and place as foreign as the surface of any distant planet and so immerse you in it that it becomes real, even if not necessarily comfortable.

The directorial and story-telling skills that Gibson brought first to Braveheart and then to The Passion of the Christ are powerfully displayed again in Apocalypto, which opened today to general release. My wife and I attended the first showing at the local multiplex, and we were riveted from the first scene to the last.

As an aside, let me say that I think the way the movie has been marketed is a mistake and will hurt the box office. The grand vision of the end of a civilization is hardly an appealing draw for the holiday movie-going public, and that vision isn't even a central part of Apocalypto's storyline. This movie is much more accessible than that, and it should have been marketed to play up the suspense and action that has an almost universal appeal.

You've no doubt heard the general plot: it's set in central America, presumably in the 16th century, just prior to the arrival of the Spanish conquistadors. On a grand scale, it purports to show the beginning of the end of the mighty Mayan civilization (except that it never really ended...Maya peoples are today numbered in the millions). However, the collapse of an entire civilization is really too hard to capture in an entertaining way in a two hour movie, so Gibson has done the smart thing and made a movie about a small family whose travails provide manageable glimpses of the bigger story.

Is it violent and gory, almost to an extreme? Yes, no question about it. There will be a ongoing debate about whether the brutality was warranted (flashback to Passion). However, based on what I've read about the Aztec and Mayan cultures, what was shown on the screen is, if anything, understated compared to the reality. Human sacrifice was an accepted religious practice, and the source of many of those sacrifices was an extensive population of captives procured through raids and battles. For what it's worth, MLB was not put off by the violence, feeling (as did I) it to be a natural part of the societies and cultures being depicted. You'll have to decide for yourself if you want that kind of reality in your movie-going experience.

At times, the film is inexpressibly beautiful, especially the rainforest scenes. The action is fast-paced and suspenseful, and the occasionally heartbreaking story draws you in so completely that the subtitles are unnoticed. Overall, I rate Apocalypto as one of the best movies of the year, even as I acknowledge that it's not for everyone.

Footnotes (again, there ARE some spoilers in the following):

• I mentioned the subtitles above. One of the things I watch for in subtitled "period pieces" like this is the use of modern colloquialisms or anachronistic words or phrases. There were two in Apocalypto that stand out. One, the exasperated use of the word "mom" by a young bride trying to shoo her mother away from the front door of the hut where she and her husband are trying to make a baby (as demanded by the mother) seemed comfortably endearing; I suspect that every culture, past and present, has an equivalent word and the translation was fine in this case. The second was more problematic, as it involved the use of the "granddaddy of all swear words," if you know what I mean, and while it was definitely appropriate commentary for the scene it accompanied, it just seemed jarringly modern and unnecessary. I wonder about what, if any, discussion took place before they decided to use that word in the subtitles.


• Judging by the presumably accurate depiction of the Mesoamerican peoples, the vast majority of today's body piercing culture are a bunch of pansies.


• One aspect of Gibson's storytelling seemed highly derivative of an earlier movie. The "chase scene" through the jungle borrowed a number of elements from Steve McQueen's escape in the excellent 1973 movie, Papillion


• For those who worry about such things, unless you simply enjoy reading credits, there's no reason to sit in the theater after they start rolling, as there aren't any surprise features. I know you were wondering about that.


• Two separate zoos provided tapirs for the film. (As long as we were sitting through them, we might as well, you know, read the credits.)

"Apocalypto" Now; TSC Then and Now

We're heading out in a bit to catch the first matinee of Apocalypto. I'll try to have a review up later today, if you're waffling about whether to see it, and desperate enough to consider my perceptions in the decision process.

In the meantime, am I losing my mind or has the Tractor Supply Company edited its current Christmas TV commercial, the one where the wifely figurines are discussing the fact that they sent their husbandly figurines to deliver something to the local nativity scene without telling them that they'd been signed up to also appear in the tableau. In the earliest version, the last shot is of the husbandly figurines standing next to the manger dressed as shepherds, and one of them disgustedly mutters under his breath something like "Mabel in a manger." But in the current version, he just grunts his displeasure. Anybody else noticed that?

[I have to admit that the first time I saw the first version, I thought TSC was probably on shaky ground, at least with the PC Police. Perhaps I was a bit prescient. Or, perhaps I've just imagined the whole thing.]

Movie Review: "Deja Vu"

Note: No spoilers in the following. Well, no major ones, anyway.

We received a pleasant surprise at the movie theater this afternoon, as Denzil Washington's new movie, Deja Vu, turned out to be a smart little sci-fi thriller, instead of the run-of-the-mill police drama we were expecting.

Granted, your enjoyment of this movie requires that you be able to muster massive amounts of credulity, as some of the plot holes were big enough to drive Val Kilmer through (the man has been eating well, to the point of apparently having misplaced his neck). On the other hand, the plot is complicated enough and the screenplay intelligent enough to reward those who are willing to play along. And Washington is, as always, the quite effective glue that holds together what might be an unmanageable mess in less competent hands.

Another strength of the movie is the acting of Adam Goldberg as the scientist who heads up the secret government program that has the potential of allowing police to prevent crimes rather than just solve them.

Deja Vu is one of the more enjoyable movies of the year, employing some unique plot twists that kept us guessing through the very end of the film.

Footlights: We saw the trailer for a movie called Wild Hogs, a "buddy movie" starring John Travolta, Tim Allen, William H. Macy, and Martin Lawrence as four middle-aged guys who buy Harleys and go on a road trip in a yuppie version of Easy Rider. Marissa Tomei and Ray Liotta also appear in the film. It looked exceedingly funny, and it's due out next March.

I didn't notice any Apple Computers in Deja Vu, but the high-tech Hummer that played a central part in an unnerving chase scene was plastered with the white Apple logo decals that come with every new computer and iPod.

Movie Review: "Casino Royale"

[No spoilers]

We caught the first matinée of the "new" James Bond movie, Casino Royale. I can't remember the first movie with that title, which was released in 1967, but it's just as well since it wasn't really a part of the franchise that most of us are familiar with.

As you no doubt know by now, this incarnation supposedly takes us back to the beginning of Bond's career. He's just achieved "double-0" status (presumably he was a single digit intern of some sort up to now), which means he gets to kill with impunity, and in a way, he becomes the Dwight Schrute of Her Majesty's Secret Service, taking his new responsibilities quite seriously.

Actually, the movie starts off with a great chase scene with nary an Aston-Martin -- or any other sports car, for that matter -- in sight. It made me look forward to Spiderman 3, due for release next May, according to the trailer. But that's neither here nor there. Daniel Craig makes a passable Bond, but he's no Sean. His debonair needs serious evolving at this point, but I suppose he'll grow into the role.

It was odd, however, to watch what was supposed to be the beginning of his career being played out in the current time, along with all the current gadgets and technology (and related product placements, most Sony, Sony-Ericsson, Ford, Range Rover, and, of course, Aston-Martin). But this Bond doesn't rely on gadgetry to the same extent as we've seen in many of the other 007 films...and that's not really a bad thing. There is one rather shocking display of technology, but I promised no spoilers so I'll leave it at that.

I'm being awfully coy about this, aren't I? OK, I'll cut to the chase. This is an entertaining movie, generally predictable but with a few unexpected twists, and just enough humor to keep it from being ponderous. The new/old Bond is far from infallible, not exceptionally suave, and the action is often riveting and only occasionally dumb. The one exception is an interminable high stakes poker game, but we can't really dispense with it because the whole plot turns around it. I apologize to you poker fans, but I can't work myself into an edge-of-the-seat frenzy over a card game. Fortunately, they took enough breaks to keep things lively.

I did miss the traditional 007 opening credits (you know what I mean), and I'll save you the trouble of trying to deal with the inevitable effects of a large soft drink and a two hour movie by telling you that nothing happens during or after the closing credits.

If you're a fan of the series, or if you have a hankering for some movie popcorn, this is as good a way as any to spend a couple of hours. We liked it; I think you will, too.

Desert Island Movie Meme

I know, I know -- the "if you were stranded on a desert island, which movies/ books/ music/ beverages/ non-venomous reptiles/ television evangelist/ Hooter's girl/ Pro Bowling Tour player would you want to have with you" memes have been done to death, but here's a slightly different twist. It still deals with movies, but you get to pick one title for each of the following ten genres.

Here's my list (genres shown in bold) of the movies I'd choose for my desert island stranding:

• Western - Silverado


• Horror - Shaun of the Dead


• Sci-Fi - Serenity


• Musical - Fiddler on the Roof


• Comedy - The Princess Bride


• War - Saving Private Ryan


• Action - Pirates of the Caribbean


• Foreign - Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon


• Classic (before 1960) - The Quiet Man


• Documentary - Mad Hot Ballroom


• Bonus Pick (any genre) - My Cousin Vinny

These are all pretty safe picks (choosing Shaun of the Dead in the horror category is probably cheating a bit, but I can't think of a "traditional" horror movie that I'd want to see more than once). Perhaps yours are a bit edgier...?

Movie Mini-Review: "Meet Joe Black"

I had never seen Meet Joe Black, the 1998 movie starring Brad Pitt as Death and Anthony Hopkins as the corporate giant he's come to take away. And since AMC was one of the few channels that wasn't constantly interrupting programming for election reports, I watched the last eight hours of the movie tonight and all I can say is, wow!...what an incredibly, unspeakably annoying soundtrack. If you look up "subtlety" in the thesaurus, you'll find the first antonym listed is "the soundtrack from Meet Joe Black."

I did like the line near the end of the movie (I think it came around hour twelve) about death and taxes.

OK, I think that about covers it.

DVD Review: "The Sentinel"

I reviewed the theatrical release of The Sentinel last April, and gave it pretty good marks. I thought it was a decent action movie with a good cast, and I was especially fascinated by the portrayal of the Secret Service, one of the few government agencies with either a flawless reputation or the ability to completely hide its shortcomings.

Thus, I was pleasantly surprised when I was contacted via email in early August by the marketing company M80, asking if I would be willing to review the DVD when it was released later that month. M80 had apparently been retained by 20th Century Fox to promote the DVD, and it was contacting "reputable influencers" (and at least one irreputable slacker) with the offer of a free disk in exchange for a review. After a few weeks, here's what arrived in the mail:

I watched the movie fairly soon after receiving the disk and noted nothing different or special about the DVD version (other than it refused to load in my Mac, which I found odd and annoying). But I figured that a review of a DVD was really supposed to focus on the special features, and, frankly, I didn't have time to watch them...until today. Again, I was pleasantly surprised. The disk has the usual marketing schtick -- trailers for the movie itself, plus those of pseudo-related films (Romancing the Stone and Jewel of the Nile, presumably due to Michael Douglas's presence); deleted scenes, including an alternate ending; director and screenwriter commentary; and a couple of "making the film" featurettes.

I didn't rewatch the movie with the commentary track turned on, but I did watch all the other special features. The deleted scenes combined with the director's commentary on why the scenes were shot and why they were deleted offered an interesting look into the moviemaking process. One scene didn't test well with a pre-release audience (it hurt one of the main character's "likability"); another had a background that looked fake (and it really did). The alternate ending would have definitely been an inferior choice compared to the one in the final version, but there was nothing "explosive" about it, despite the marketing hype on the website created to promote the DVD.

However, the best of the special features were the two short narratives about the Secret Service ("In The President's Shadow") and how the technical expertise of retired agents was used in the making of the movie ("The Secret Service: Building on a Tradition of Excellence"). Besides offering some historical perspective and a look at the responsibilities of the Service, they also offered up some interesting tidbits about the actors (for example, Eva Longoria proved to be a much better shot than either Michael Douglas or Kiefer Southerland, and a special team of younger, more fit agents were summoned to guard candidate George W. Bush due to his ability to run fast in the Texas heat).

If you enjoyed The Sentinel on the big screen, it will definitely make a worthy addition to your DVD collection, as the featurettes are both interesting and informative.

Technorati tags: The Sentinel | Secret Service

Movie Quiz

Update: The answer is now shown at the bottom of this post.

For fame and acclaim, tell us what the following movies have in common:

• The Shining


• The Big Chill


• Die Another Day


• L.A. Story


• Back to the Future


• School of Rock


• Star Wars I: The Phantom Menace

I await with bated breath your answers.

Would it have helped if I had asked this question instead: "What do Jack Nicholson, Glenn Close, Pierce Brosnan, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michael J. Fox, Jack Black, and Natalie Portman have in common?"?

According to Jim, it should have, but it didn't; I trust you won't kick yourself as hard as he did upon hearing that the uniting factor is that they all appeared in the 1996 alien invasion spoof, "Mars Attacks." I've always been intrigued by that movie, in that it brought together an awesome amount of starpower (we could have also included Martin Short, Annette Bening, Rod Steiger, Pam Grier, Lukas Haas, Danny DeVito, and Tom Jones) and probably reaped the smallest return of any such gathering, with the possible exception of "Ocean's Twelve."

SoaP: "Time is Tissue"

You can often judge the movie you're about to see by the trailers selected to precede it. Tonight's showing of Snakes on a Plane was preceded by the following:

• Beerfest
• Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
• Tenacious D in 'The Pick of Destiny'
• Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

So, it's not like we weren't warned.

SoaP is so bad, it's often quite good. All the performers deserve awards for delivering their lines with straight faces, but it really only works if you know that they know that you know that they know what's going on. After all, this was a movie that was sent back to the editing room to add some gratuitous sex and violence in order to get an R rating and to keep the buzz in the blogosphere alive. The editing worked; judging by the twelve people in the theater tonight, the buzz didn't, at least not in Midland.

In the midst of the gore -- who knew snakes could be so inappropriately assertive? -- are some really funny moments...well, seconds, anyway. Saturday Night Live's Kenan Thompson steals several scenes as a distinctly non-menancing bodyguard for a rapper, and Samuel L. Jackson has his usual quota of deadpan one-liners.

The snakes are uniformly creepy, malevolent, ubiquitous, and persistent -- sort of like Howard Dean, only with more grace. The animatronic and animated versions blended impressively with the real ones, but those who are weirded out by snakes of any persuasion should really stay away from this film.

I think this brief exchange between MLB (who, by the way, suggested that we see the movie this evening, just so you know) and me sums up SoaP. As we were walking to the car after the film, she said "I'm embarrassed to tell anyone we saw that." I tried to reassure her. "Don't worry; nobody we know will see it, so they won't be able to make an assessment of what we did." In any event, I can claim I was doing research for this review; I don't know what excuse she'll be able to concoct.

To be truthful, once it's cleaned up for network TV, it won't be too bad as a campy horror/disaster genre flick. But if Beerfest represents the pinnacle of movie achievement in your book, by all means, go see it on the big screen.

Oh, and for the record, let it be understood that I've just coined the term "vipercam." Well, second only to the folks who hold the patent on the dental intraoral device of the same name. (What were they thinking?)

Technorati tag: Snakes on a Plane

Meet the real stars of "Snakes On A Plane"

[Warning: Serpent Alert]

Snakes On a Plane opens tomorrow, and we plan to see it at the earliest convenient time. Make of that what you will; it sounds like a fun movie*.

Anyway, if you want to get up close and personal with the serpent stars, take a look at this National Geographic interview with the snake wrangler who worked the film, and the related photo gallery.

If it makes you feel any better, according to the article About two-thirds of the film's serpents are either animatronic or computer generated.

Still, that leaves a slithering one-third.

*Anyone dare me to let loose a slinky from the top of the movie theater during the movie?

"World Trade Center" - A Few More Thoughts

I'm not someone who normally looks to the movies for education, nor do I tend to seek out films that are designed to "make me think." I'm too skeptical of Hollywood's motivations and agendas to imbue most movies with any value beyond that of simple entertainment. But, I have a very short list of exceptions.

The Passion of the Christ is on that list, and now, so is World Trade Center.

I suspect that I'm no different than most of you in this regard: I don't need to see a movie, however sincerely envisioned or well crafted, to remember 9/11 and how it changed our nation. However, that day's events birthed a multitude of individual stories, as numerous as the individuals and families who were directly involved in those events, and there's merit in being present during the telling (or retelling) of some of those stories. And that's what World Trade Center was to me...a chance to see and hear some of those stories, the reality of which were lived by some of my neighbors.

Oliver Stone has crafted a love letter to first responders, pure and simple. As awesome (and sensitively presented) as the actual attack and destruction of the Twin Towers was, those scenes became simply a backdrop against which we see the true definition of heroism: people doing great things not because they are not afraid, but in spite of their fear.

World Trade Center is a masterpiece of technical movie-making, no doubt about it. With only a few exceptions, I couldn't distinguish actual footage from 9/11 from re-created footage. Much of the "action" was implied, with the loss of absolutely none of the drama and emotion. But in the end, it's a pretty simple and wonderful account of people caring about other people.

The contrast is stark, isn't it? On September 11, 2001, 20 people made it their lives' work to kill 3,000. On that same day, thousands of people risked their lives to save 20. And while we probably don't need a movie to remind us of that contrast, there's still value in the reinforcement offered by one like World Trade Center.

Note: At the end of the movie, some onscreen text dedicates the film to the fallen first responders. A list of the names of those who died on 9/11 rolls immediately following those notes. I shouldn't have to say this, but -- please -- help honor those people by remaining seated for the 15 seconds it takes for their names to appear. Only about half the people in our showing did so. I'm sure those that got up and left during that segment meant no disrespect, but I found it a bit unsettling that they would do so.

"World Trade Center" - Worthwhile

Got a dance tonight, so no time for a full review, but I can tell you that we were both impressed with World Trade Center. I went in a skeptic -- too soon, too much, too...everything -- but Oliver Stone got it right.

How can you tell a story that affected so many thousands of families? The scope is overwhelming, and the mind can't process it until it's broken down into small bites.

We can love our country only as much as we love our neighbor.

More later...perhaps. And, perhaps, this is enough.

Technorati tag: World Trade Center

Great Font Moments In Film -- A Continuing Series

So, for unimaginable fame and glory, tell me the name of the movie in which the following dialog appears, along with the name of the actor who delivered them:

Hint: These lines carried forward from a previous profanity-laden scene in which fonts played a central role.

Aeon Flux: Need a backstory, folks...

Thus begins Aeon Flux, a sci-fi movie that wasn't treated well in these pages when I first viewed it, and one that I find hasn't improved with age, having seen it again on a NetFlix DVD.

But it was only on the second viewing that the implications of the opening screen text sunk in.

If the virus killed all but 5 million people, and that 5 million represented 1% of the world's population, that means that -- um, carry the one -- the beginning population was 500 million people.

Something's not right. Stick with me on this, OK?

The US Census Bureau estimates that the world's population in mid-2010 will be 6.8 billion (well, actually, they say 6,825,750,456, a number I'm not prepared to dispute but one whose precision is dazzling). So, what I'd like to know is what happened to the 6.3 billion people who apparently "went away" between 2010 and 2011.

Frankly, I think that backstory would have been much more interesting than what actually appeared on the screen.

OTOH, perhaps we're just seeing some fuzzy math, which shouldn't surprise us given that the movie was produced by MTV. No wonder Johnny can't make change at the drive-through window.

What? Well, what do you think about while driving home from the grocery store?

Mel[tdown]

I don't have anything new to add to the discussion regarding Mel Gibson's disappointing dustup with the law in Malibu; I just couldn't resist the post title (and I'm sure I'm the only person in the world who thought of it).

I will say that "disappointing" is the operative term from my perspective. I expected better from Gibson, a family man with nothing to prove. It's not so much that I expected that he would hold his booze better than that -- I simply hoped that he wouldn't have put himself in that position to begin with.

And it's awfully hard to argue that a liquored-up, defenses-down tongue doesn't express the deep-seated feelings of the heart and soul. The comments he allegedly made while drunk (and given the abasement in his apology, I believe he did make them) might actually have been better received if made sober, as he could always claim he was joking, however tastelessly.

Success, wealth, and power claims another "victim." There's a lesson there for each of us, I think.

POTC:DMC - Random Observations

There's really no point in my writing a full-fledged review of the most successful opening-weekend movie in history. It's been reviewed to death, and there's nothing I can add that would be edifying in that regard. But I do have a few opinions and observations (don't worry, there are no spoilers) that should be worth the price of admission (to this blog, not to the movie), so here goes:

• Once again, make sure you sit through all the credits and wait for the last scene, which will neatly address a lingering question we had after the movie proper ended. We and one other couple were the only ones to stay and see it.


• In some ways, I preferred the first POTC to this one, as it was less frenetic and, frankly, less silly. What character development occurred in DMC served, on the whole, to lessen my affection for the characters.


• The sequel does join the original as a shoo-in for the Most Unappealing Dental Characteristics for its year of release. We noticed in the credits that there was a single individual cited as being in charge of "dental prosthetics," and he was no doubt one of the busiest of the crew members.


• However, the presence of some disturbing scenery in the mouthal area didn't stop the Hottie of the Movie nod from going to Tia Dalma, the voodoo lady character played by Naomi Harris. She'll be in POTC 3 next year, and, frankly, you can have Keira.


• Anyone else old enough to still get a bit of chill when the Disney theme music plays at the beginning of a movie? The first movie I can remember seeing was "Snow White," and that music evokes an older and, in some ways, better time, at least as far as films are concerned.


• Oh, did we like it? Yeah, we really liked it...but, even so, it could have been 30 minutes shorter and thus 50% better. I blame Jerry Bruckheimer, who apparently needed to justify the five (5!) assistants he had for this movie. (Well, what can I say; when you sit through the credits, you might as well read them!)

I'd love to hear your reactions to the movie. Please put a spoiler label at the front, though, if you give away anything related to the plot.

Sunday Sloth

I'm way too busy to be writing this. I'm working on four new websites, and my existing clients have requested massive amounts of updates via every conceivable method of delivery, including email, FTP, hand-delivery, and USPS. One client just dropped off nine (9!) CDs of updates. If the Pony Express still ran, I've no doubt they'd be galloping by and throwing leather satchels full of disks onto my front porch.

In addition, the lawn needs mowing, the floor vacuuming, and the clothes launding. Laundrying. Laundering.

Faced with this unmanageable array of responsibilities yesterday afternoon, I had no choice but to resort to the time-honored strategy perfected by American males everywhere, planted myself in the recliner, and watched seven consecutive hours of westerns on TV.

AMC was running a cowboy movie marathon leading up to the premier of its much-ballyhooed (well, by AMC, anyway) "original movie event," Broken Trail, which stars Robert Duvall and Thomas Haden Church. I turned on the tube in time to catch the final extended gun battle in Open Range (more Robert Duvall, plus Kevin Costner, but it's a fine movie anyway), followed by Viggo in Hidalgo, which I'd somehow never seen (and I remain perplexed by the irony that a culture that so reveres horses would subject them to such a punishing event as a 3,000 mile race across the desert).

The evening concluded with the first half of Broken Trail (I'd provide a link but the website is one of those extraordinarily inconsiderate ones that has the audacity to automatically resize your browser window, and not being content with having taken control of your desktop, it then freezes your browser so as to prevent anything else from occurring, including the completion of the first draft of this post), which is formulaic and features Robert Duvall playing Robert Duvall, a role for which he's eminently qualified and which isn't an unpleasant prospect for the viewer but, really, it's been done before with much better scripts. Still, one Duvall is worth a dozen Costners, and Haden Church makes a remarkably effective cowpoke who knows the value of a good rope.

I mentioned the script, and I'm perhaps overly harsh with it. It really does have some scenes of ranch life that you likely haven't seen before. The opening sequence involving the "cutting" of calves will perplex some city slickers, and the scene where Duvall's character gets hold of a box of "therapeutic papers" ("guaranteed to be free of wood chips and splinters") is an old west vignette not often portrayed in film. Anyway, part two is tonight, and I plan to watch it.

But, until then, I'm really too busy to do anything else, including blog.

Movie Non-Review: "Cars"

Not a full-blown review, just a few observations from this afternoon's viewing of Cars:

• Obviously, the animation is amazing...spectacular...incredible. But I was also struck by the audio. Not the soundtrack, which was obligatorially eclectic but still forgettable, but by the sound effects. Tires rolling over sand. The glorp of the asphalt paver. The vrerp of an air wrench. It all rang so true. Sound is a bigger part of these movies than I think we sometimes realize, and Pixar works the details like no one else.


• The "One Man Band" short that preceded the movie was excellent and I wonder how much fun the production team has in assembling it. It's all theirs, of course...no human actors whose voices must be synched up before the thing's complete.


• As with X-Men 3, you need to stay through all the credits. It's easier to do with Cars because various animated scenes continue to appear while the credits roll. But there's still a couple of "Easter eggs" at the very end and we noticed a few people didn't stay quite long enough to catch them. Without being too spoilerish, think of some of the great Pixar movies remade to star cars instead of, well, whatever they originally starred. Actually, I'd like to see the credits again, as well, because some interesting names appeared, but too quickly to see in what capacity.


• Overall, this is one of the most enjoyable movies we've seen this year. Yes, it's a glorified cartoon, but don't underestimate the power of a good story well told.

"The Omen" and the IMDB Message Board

The remake of The Omen is set to open in general release tomorrow, and we've all been regaled with the reminders that the date will be 06/06/06. What savvy marketing. Anyway, I saw an interview with Mia Farrow today (she's in the movie) and she says this version is "ten times better" than the 1968 version (and she should know, since she was Rosemary's Baby's mom [that makes her Rosemary, doesn't it?] and thus the expert on all things movie-ish occult-ish). I won't disagree with her math, although ten times zero is still a pretty small number, but that's just me.

Anyway, what the movie has already done is stimulate an interesting discussion over at the IMDB message board, where someone posted a question ("so what will exactly happen when the anti christ comes?") and the resulting replies, numbering in the hundreds so far, range from humorous to sad to weird to shocking, and back again. If you scroll far enough down (or you could just click here), you'll find someone describing Islam's perspective on the anti-christ, something that was new to me.

I'm not sure how to feel about this discussion. I'm glad that people are asking such questions, but the signal/noise ratio in the responses is so low that the question may as well have been rhetorical. And it's a scary thing to contemplate that there are indeed people who get most of their theology from Hollywood.

I suspect that there's an End Times prophecy about that very thing.

Funny Movies

Update: Gwynne's got Bravo's the entire list posted over at The Shallow End, along with her observations. I agree with her assessment...many of the selections are downright puzzling, as are the omissions.

The Bravo Channel has been running a countdown of its "100 Funniest Movies" list, presenting that list in a series of shows that spotlight 25 at a time. Or maybe fifty, although that makes for a very short series. Anyway, we caught last night's segment that covered numbers 25 through 1.

I considered live-blogging the show, but was too lazy to get out of the recliner and retrieve the laptop. My wife had her laptop going in the neighboring recliner but she was too busy studying the inside of her eyelids to fool with the show. I figured I could re-create the list via a website but Bravo is apparently going to milk this thing for as long as it can, because its list has defied my best googling efforts. (OK, I gave up after following two links. This isn't cancer research, you know.)

Their list does differ significantly from the AFI's 100 Years...100 Laughs series, in that if Bravo tapped anything prior to 1960, I certainly didn't see it in whatever it was I was watching. Bravo's list was also more current, including such recent movies as The Wedding Crasher, The Incredibles, and Napoleon Dynamite. AFI's list was concocted in 2000.

The one thing I do remember is that Bravo picked Animal House as the #1 funniest movie (it made it only to #36 on AFI's list). I wouldn't disagree that that movie is one of the funniest of all time, but I don't know that I'd rank it at the very top of my personal list.

It's funny (ha!), but picking the funniest movies is harder than picking the best. I mean, almost everyone agrees that The Godfather is at least in the top three best movies ever made. Perhaps the quality of a story and the telling of it is easier to agree on than what's funny, the latter being somehow more subjective.

Fortunately for you, I happen to be the Ultimate Arbiter for What's Really REALLY Funny, and here's my top ten list (but in no particular order; I couldn't get my own self to agree with me about those details).

• A Christmas Story


• The Blues Brothers


• The Princess Bride


• Shaun of the Dead


• Beetlejuice


• Father of the Bride


• Young Frankenstein


• Soapdish


• The Gods Must Be Crazy


• A Fish Called Wanda

Honorable Mention (because "Top 14" just doesn't have the same cachet):

• My Big Fat Greek Wedding


• Groundhog Day


• Caddyshack


• 1941

Award for Special Merit (because "Top 15" just seems like overreaching):

• Napoleon Dynamite

Feel free to try to argue with my selections, you Silly English Pig Dog™ but you better be funny...

"X3" => Cool Cubed

We caught the last matinee of X-Men: The Last Stand (aka X3). I'm hard-pressed to write a review that's not filled with spoilers, because the movie cries out to be treated as a continuation of the story and not simply as a standalone production. But I don't want to spoil anything so I'll just say that if you're an X-Man fan, this will truly be The Two Towers of the trilogy...easily the best and most interesting.

Some very random observations -- again, no spoilers:

• Kelsey Grammer as Beast is a welcome addition to the cast of characters, and was one of my wife's favorites (although at one point in the movie she leaned over and whispered, "he reminds me of Abraham Lincoln," and I almost cracked up.


• This one's got a high body count, and to paraphrase a movie quote I used a week ago, "they're gonna need some more X-Men."


• Much to the delight of teen-aged boys everywhere, we get an eyeful of Mystique without her, um, mystique.


• Famke Janssen didn't just have a bad hair day...she had a bad hair shoot. She also frequently appeared to be channeling Linda Blair.


• Along those same lines, while everyone else seemed to have gotten old since the last movie, Halle Berry is stuck in a time warp, and that's not a bad thing. Nosiree, not at all.


• Speaking of comic books brought to the big screen, the most interesting trailer of the evening was for Ghost Rider, starring Nicholas Cage and due out next February. MLB thinks Cage is too old for the role, but I say that you're never too old to have a flaming skull. But, you know, that's just me.


• X3 has a few welcome comedic touches in an otherwise fairly dark and tense plot. Wolverine even gets to crack a joke.


• Oh, and if you're a diehard X-Man fan, be sure to sit all the way through the credits, because...well, you'll see. If you're not a big fan, it probably won't matter.

Ant Rating:

Technorati tag: X-Men: The Last Stand | X3

Movie Quote Quiz

It's been a while since we had a good movie quiz, and I'm not about to change that. But here's a so-so one which will have to do until the real thing comes along. Identify in the comments what movie each of the following famous and not-so- lines come from. The winners will have the letters in their names used in an upcoming post.

1. I'd rather p*** on a spark plug...


2. Would you ask Picasso to sell his guitar?!


3. Hog lumps!


4. Rollin' with th' homies...


5. What hump?


6. You should be dead, but apparently you weren't ready for that either.


7. How much for the women?


8. Joanie, I don't lend my car to anyone with funny eyes.


9. I swallowed a bug!


10. They're gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.

Movie Non-Review: "Poseidon"

I was typing the last sentence of a 300+ word review of Poseidon when IMDB.com locked up Firefox and my post went away. I've no enthusiasm for reconstructing it. Feh.

Short version: It is what it is. If you want a logical plot, character development, and intelligent dialog, rent Schindler's List. If you want a passable TPDS (Theatrical Popcorn Delivery System), you could do worse.

Ant Rating:

Technorati tag: Poseidon

Gwynne's "B" Bop

I got nothin' myself, but Gwynne's got a list of classic B movies over at her joint that's worth looking at and weighing in on.

More WIT

The Washington Improv Theater (aka WIT) has a new entry in the 48 Hour Film Project, and it's pretty dang funny, in a junior high schoolish way (and, really, isn't that the best way?).

If you're on dialup, you might want to try the lo-res version of the seven minute film.

And if you're wondering why we care about WIT, you can get the story (complete with local connection) here.

I understand that the film is as yet untitled, so feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments. Who knows? Molly (the actress in the film) might stop by here and make you an honorary WIT, which beats a Fire Ant coaster any day.

Technorati tags: Washington Improv Theater | 48 Hour Film Project

Will Underestimates Memory

I like George Will's columns. He's insightful and articulate (but what nationally syndicated columnist isn't? Art Buchwald doesn't count.) and covers a wide range of topics (his columns on baseball are enjoyable even for a non-fan). But I think he's off base with the admonition in yesterday's column that it's every Americans "civic duty" to see United 93 lest we forget the events of 9/11.

Listen, I apologize that I keep harping on this and as I've said before in this space, I have no doubt that the movie is important -- maybe even critical -- to perhaps millions of Americans, for a variety of reasons. But we don't all fall into that category.

For me, at least, I no more need to see United 93 to remember what happened and what's still at stake in the War on Terror than I needed to see The Passion of the Christ* to remember the sacrifice that I believe Jesus Christ made on my behalf 2,000 years ago.

I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that this is the last time I'll post anything on this topic. Unless Art Buchwald writes something about it.

*I did see POTC -- twice -- and was wonderfully moved by it...but it didn't "strengthen my faith" and my viewing of the movie didn't grant me citizenship in the class of "better Christians."

Technorati tags: George Will | Flight 93

More MI III Trivia

I meant to include this in yesterday's review of Mission Impossible III and forgot. Simon Pegg has several scenes in MI III. If you can't quite place the name, you might remember him in the role of slacker hero in Shaun of the Dead, the funniest zombie movie ever made (and, perhaps, the best of the genre, period).

Pegg has obviously been eating well over the past few years (and I just realized the unfortunate turn of that phrase in conjunction with the previous reference to the brain-consuming undead), but he still has the knack for playing the nervous paranoid-but-brilliant Britgeek character that appears in films ranging from Tomb Raider to Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe.

His presence in MI III reminded me that we never bought a copy of SOTD and so I've just returned from Best Buy where it was on sale for the low, low price of $9.99. Sweet.

Oh, and I hope writers of future MI installments will come up with a new name for the Mission Impossible organization. It takes away some of the secret agenty cachet whenever they mention the "IMF" and all you can think of is the International Monetary Fund. Or, perhaps I need to spend less time reading the Wall Street Journal.

Technorati tags: Mission Impossible III | Shaun of the Dead

MI III and more...

MI III: Yeah, it really is that good...

Ant Rating:

A few other observations from an afternoon at the movie house:

• X-Men: The Last Stand apparently features a mutant who has inexplicably become Abraham Lincoln, albeit with a green caste.


• Whatever else you might think about Tom Cruise's acting ability, you must concede that he's one of the all-time great on-screen runners. He's a very earnest runner. I admire that in an actor.


• Judging solely by the trailer, what School of Rock did for Jack Black's career and King Kong took away, Nacho Libre is bound to restore. I mean, the very thought of Black playing the role of one of those over-the-top Mexican wrestlers (or, as we used to call them, "wrasslers," is enough to crack me up. (However, the comments on IMDB.com are less than charitable, so perhaps I'm premature in my judgment.)


• Can someone please explain Laurence Fishburne to me?

Technorati tags: Mission Impossible III | Nacho Libre

"United 93" - Must see?

Jen saw United 93 this weekend and, not surprisingly, found it to be powerful and well made, echoing the almost universal feedback provided by critics and regular moviegoers alike.

I don't plan to see it.

Where I take mild exception to Jen's review -- and she's far from alone in this -- is the implication that it's somehow important that every American go see this movie, so that we won't forget the events of 9/11 and how they changed our lives, individually and as a nation. I would not dispute for a second that a film like this